Underworld: Awakening

September 3, 2012

This is a terrible movie, you should definitely watch it if you’re looking for something short, stupid, and loud. Mostly stupid and loud. The first Underworld was stylistic and had a sublime ridiculousness that Director Len Wiseman got away with in large part by using the twin distractions of the always-dependable Bill Nighy as the king of the vampires, and Kate Beckinsale in neck-to-toe latex and leather as Selene the vampire.

In the second movie, some stuff happened, but I can’t remember what. The more I try to remember, the more the movie recedes into darkness. I have this same problem with all episodes of Doctor Who made prior to 2005 and any class I’ve ever taken that spent more than a month on Etruscan pottery.

The third movie was a prequel. Whatever.

The forth movie is subtitled, “Awakening,” because that’s what happens to you 88 minutes after you press play. Well-rested, you can have a cup of coffee and then try watching it again, because at 88 minutes, this movie packs a lot of incredible nonsense into a very short period of time. You’d have to watch two or maybe even three Nicolas Cage movies to get half as much silly, pompous, gunfire-ridden hokum.

Watching this movie leads to so many important questions. What happened in the second movie? Why is Selene the only one who knows Vampire CPR? How did she get her coat back? Was there really a third movie or am I getting this all confused with the time I fell asleep during a particularly turgid True Blood flashback sequence and woke up in the middle of an episode of Game of Thrones? Where does Selene keep all that ammunition and all of those guns in that latex and leather catsuit? Was I drooling on the couch earlier?

Underworld: Awakening was directed by a pair of unknown Swedish dudes because, apparently, Uwe Boll was busy.

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