Siesta Key - 2017

We kicked off the new year doing as little as possible for a few days on Siesta Key, in preparation for a whirlwind bout of Family Fun that we had to schedule for the 1st week in January because…well, just because.

Despite the delay, we did indeed have a fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. One could go so far as to say it was the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.*

Seriously, does anyone ever actually get through the holidays without someone shouting “Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?” at least once a day?

Today’s the last day of our visit, so Mom and I made it as challenging as possible for Husband. Mostly, this involved taking both cats to the vet. Mom makes separate appointments because it’s too difficult to manage both cats at the same time.

In the morning, Tom T. Cat struggled a bit while we inserted his ponderous bulk into the cat carrier, but then he settled down and spent the car-ride singing the song of his people. Tom may be of mysterious parentage, but that voice is all Siamese.

Getting Count Scratchula into the carrier later in the afternoon wasn’t quite as easy. It involved 3 adults running around the house after a cat acting as though her hindquarters were being licked by the very flames of perdition. Did I mention the screaming? There was a lot of screaming. And, at one point, mom and I collapsed in a heap on the kitchen floor and laughed until we nearly passed out. Husband didn’t find this terribly helpful, for some reason.

I believe this day will go down in family legend as a spit-drenched fiasco of feline proportions. No video exists of this incident. All witnesses are currently resting comfortably and expected to make a full recovery. After we staunch the bleeding.

*I’m appalled how many of you don’t get that Christmas Vacation reference, so here’s the whole NSFW clip, for your post-holiday enjoyment:

embedded clip: Christmas Vacation

reginaangelxmas77

When I was a small child, my parents adopted a kitten. A Siamese kitten who I loved dearly. Siamese kittens grow up to be Siamese cats, creatures who possess a very special kind of crazy.

This cat was very tolerant of family members, but had a tendency to bite other people – viciously, and with the intent to maim. But not until she’d thoroughly washed the location she was about to bite. You can tell people this, but they don’t listen.

“That cat is going to bite you.”

“Oh no, cats love me. Look, she’s licking me!”

“She’s preparing the surgical site.”

“Ha-ha. She’s adorable.”

“You’re going to be sorry.”

etc.

2 years later, we adopted a second kitten. The picture at the top of the post shows Kitten (left) and Cat (right). It looks like Cat is about to eat Kitten. They were probably actually sitting around trying to look harmless, biding their time until they could partake in their favorite Christmas-time activity: rocketing around the house and launching themselves up the middle of the tree to bring the whole thing crashing to the ground.

My brother and I thought this was hilarious.

My mom did not.

My mom did find it hilarious when our Pentecostal neighbor, tired of being bitten by Cat, decided that the only course of action was to pray the devil out of her. My father pointed out that she could avoid being bitten if she’d just leave Cat alone, but the Exorcist was determined to rid this cat of demons.

Kitten, she reasoned, was a good Christian, so surely it was possible to save Cat’s soul, as well.

She prayed and prayed for the demonic forces to release their grasp on this poor beast.

cat

Then she prayed some more.

Then she pointed her finger in Cat’s face. “In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I command you not to bite me!”

I’m sure you know what happened next.

Then my mother laughed until tears ran down her face.

For years I could reduce my mom to hysterical hiccupy laughter by mentioned what a good Christian Kitten was. Her name, incidentally, was Angel.

That kitten was many things, but angelic wasn’t really one of them.

In retrospect, it’s astonishing we didn’t all find ourselves on the receiving end of an attempted exorcism, because this lady was not to be trifled with. (Neither, apparently, were my Cat’s demons).

She was a nice lady, otherwise. If memory serves she may have supplied the candles for the massive elvis shrine on our street that year, but I don’t remember her visiting our house very much after the attempted exorcism.

Ah, Florida.

Bonus content, now that I know what process-obsessed weirdos some of you are, here’s the storyboard for this post:

catexorcist

Cheetah

Last week we went to a party at the zoo. While we watched the adult cheetahs chow down on rabbits, the keepers told us that cheetahs are site-hunters, so if a potential meal stops moving they tend to lose interest.

After a few cocktails, it occurred to me that it would be a great idea if people with a profusion of squirrels in their neighborhoods could trap the squirrels and turn them into the zoo for predator diet-enrichment.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Watching the squirrels decimate a neighbor’s garden a few days later, it seemed like an even better idea.

I’m sure there are all kinds of ethical issues around this idea, but but you can just let me have my fantasies, can’t you?

I haven’t been busy, I’ve just been watching this video over and over in abject horror.

(the original video has been removed from youtube)

[embedded video]

(here’s a replacement)

Sorry for neglecting you. I’d say it won’t happen again, but we all know that would be a lie.

We survived the earthquake and the hurricane so there was only one thing to do: watch a terrible movie. My friend Carolyn and I chose Escape to Witch Mountain, which we both saw in the theater as wee children.

The 1970s were a simpler time when most children were orphans and it wasn’t weird at all for middle-aged men to adopt them and lock them away in their mountain fortresses. There were a lot more psychic cats roaming the world, too.

This clip contains spoilers if you’ve a) never seen the movie or b) aren’t smart enough from viewing the trailers or the posters to figure out that the psychic children from another planet trying to find their people and get home on their spaceship are, you know, aliens from another planet:


[embedded video]

This clip just contains outright creepiness. The marionette that appears at 1:37 is a bit sinister. And the shapely humanoid calves of the bird creature who dances starting at about 1:50? Creepy.


[embedded video]

Happy Friday!

I’m jetlagged & crazy & trying to get caught back up with life & re-acclimate to stupidly hot weather, so it’s entirely possible this isn’t as funny as I think it is. I don’t care. I laughed my head off, so I’m sharing it with you, my lovelies, because I can:

While avoiding doing any actual work a few months ago, I read an article in the Washington Post about toasters. This caught my eye:

Cat fancy. Does your cat pee on your toaster? The reason for this may be a crumb tray jammed with bread that is regularly nibbled on by a mouse.

Is this a common enough problem that it merits mention? I put this into the draft file for future research, but I know I’m not going to get around to it, so I’m just going to post it.

(Link) View more Ren Sound Clips and Billy West Sound Clips

I was walking by a neighbor’s house when I heard the kids planning to dress up the cats and pose them in a funny picture to make their mom a mother’s day card.

Cats love costumes.

This immediately sprang to mind:

funny pictures - This was the last photo on Bill's camera.  He has been missing for 2 weeks now.
see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

I probably should have picked up a tube of neosporin and some roles of gauze for them at the drug store, I suspect their going to need it.