Tag Archives: movies

Underworld: Awakening

This is a terrible movie, you should definitely watch it if you’re looking for something short, stupid, and loud. Mostly stupid and loud. The first Underworld was stylistic and had a sublime ridiculousness that Director Len Wiseman got away with in large part by using the twin distractions of the always-dependable Bill Nighy as the king of the vampires, and Kate Beckinsale in neck-to-toe latex and leather as Selene the vampire.

In the second movie, some stuff happened, but I can’t remember what. The more I try to remember, the more the movie recedes into darkness. I have this same problem with all episodes of Doctor Who made prior to 2005 and any class I’ve ever taken that spent more than a month on Etruscan pottery.

The third movie was a prequel. Whatever.

The forth movie is subtitled, “Awakening,” because that’s what happens to you 88 minutes after you press play. Well-rested, you can have a cup of coffee and then try watching it again, because at 88 minutes, this movie packs a lot of incredible nonsense into a very short period of time. You’d have to watch two or maybe even three Nicolas Cage movies to get half as much silly, pompous, gunfire-ridden hokum.

Watching this movie leads to so many important questions. What happened in the second movie? Why is Selene the only one who knows Vampire CPR? How did she get her coat back? Was there really a third movie or am I getting this all confused with the time I fell asleep during a particularly turgid True Blood flashback sequence and woke up in the middle of an episode of Game of Thrones? Where does Selene keep all that ammunition and all of those guns in that latex and leather catsuit? Was I drooling on the couch earlier?

Underworld: Awakening was directed by a pair of unknown Swedish dudes because, apparently, Uwe Boll was busy.

Someone took a perfectly good Johnny Depp & put a bird on it

There are many cultural issues regarding the Lone Ranger remake but every time I start to think about them, my brain derails with the thought, “Someone took a perfectly good Johnny Depp & put a fucking bird on it.”

I deeply question Vanity Fair’s assertion that Johnny Depp makes this look cool in any way shape or form.

Note to vanity fair: Bird. On. Head.


[embedded video: Portlandia: Put a bird on it]

This was a draft I found hanging around. It started life on my facebook page on March 8, 2012 so I don’t remember where I planned to go with it. This is what you get.

Doctor Who fans will want to try the Daleks Relaxation program.

Why have a gorilla leap off a building and into a helicopter in mid-air if you’re not going to show it to us in 3D?


[embedded: Rise of the Planet of the Apes trailer]

I’m still aggravated by the mess Tim Burton made with his PotA remake, but I have high hopes for Rise of the Plant of the Apes because the trailer looks cool.

I think a lot of movies come out in 3D that don’t need to be in 3D. But this one? This one is not in 3D? This movie that has an ape jumping off of a skyscraper and into a helicopter in mid-air is not in 3D?

Why? Why is this movie not in 3D?

I repeat: Ape. Helicopter.

Do you think Kristen Wiig will marry me?

We braved the holiday crowds last night to catch Bridesmaids. I need to see it again because the sold-out crowd was laughing so loud I’m sure we all missed half the dialogue. It’s every bit as funny as the rave reviews have claimed. I love Kristen Wiig.


[bridesmaids trailer embedded]

I was cold sober when I saw Bridesmaids so I’m pretty sure there’s extra stuff in the trailer, but maybe I missed some things. (see also: loud laughing audience).

I hope the wild success of bridesmaids encourages everyone to see another recent Kristen Wiig movie, the criminally under-appreciated Paul. When we saw Paul we were the only ones in the theater. No, I’m exaggerating – I think there were 2 other people there.


[Paul trailer embedded]

Paul, incidentally, co-stars Jason Bateman, who is apparently in 90% of the movies being released in 2011. Two trailers before Bridesmaids featured Bateman, which was just confusing, since neither trailer was distinctive or particularly interesting so they just blended together into one long, uninteresting and deeply confusing movie trailer.