I’m trying to decide what the most appropriate birthday tribute would be. Should we watch “Planet of the Apes” tonight, or should we get a couple of guns and just go blow some shit to Kingdom Come?
I know, we could take our Charlton Heston doll out into the woods and fill it full of lead. But that would be wrong, and it would wreck the “Planet of the Apes” diorama.
If we don’t go to the movies tonight, maybe I’ll get out my pixelvision camera and make my own movie. We bought a lot of Chips action figures from a clearance bin so we can create a world of Ponch and John clones.
I think the Ponch and John might be fixing Georgetown University Barbie up on a blind date with the Charleton Heston/Planet of the Apes doll. Later, maybe the Cornelius and the Ozzie Osborn dolls can crucify her!
[there were two versions of this post in the archives. I think the one I’d previously restored was a draft, so I’m replacing it with this one].
Documentary Film God Mark Lewis (he of Cane Toads, Animalicious, and Rat) has an airing of his new film, The Natural History of the Chicken on Wednesday night on many PBS affiliates. (check your local listings for details) It’s fabulous and you simply have to watch it. I command you to watch it, as a matter of fact.
I really really want to rent Dude, Where’s My Car to see if I can make it all the way to the end. I can’t explain why. Self-flagellation would be quicker and less painful, I know, but with all the sport taken out of the exercise.
My delightful partner did me one better. He suggested a ritualistic viewing of Dude could form the backbone of some kind of Survivor for couch potatoes. We could offer a better prize than a million bucks, say a CHiPs doll or something. This might be too easy, however. Maybe it should be a doublefeature with Kingpin or something. Still working out the details.
*and by “couch potatoes” we mean people too smart to be on Survivor
At the video store Saturday night I decided we should rent something really bad, try to find something to join Exorcist II et al in the Pantheon of Bad. We settled on Wild, Wild West. It wasn’t Bad, just bad; but it was a Bad Mistake to rent that sucker. First of all, everyone involved in that movie should have known better. Well, except maybe Salma Hayek. It was jaw-droppingly bad. The writing, directing, acting, pacing, special effects, score, sound design, lighting design, costume design – all bad. So bad I kept having to rewind the tape because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The opening sequence – the sequence that is supposed to suck you in and set the tone of the movie – SUCKED. That’s not a good start at all. And it was downhill from there.
Does it have rewatchability? Hell no. We shut it off after 45 minutes and went to bed. We never even bothered to finish it on Sunday. It was just so damn sloppy. Personal favorite bad moment: Will Smith stops a horse-drawn wagon full of nitroglycerin just as it skids up to a cliff. He’s, of course, hanging off the edge of the cliff. He gets the horses to back up and turns around to face the deep ravine he just nearly plummeted into. He looks across the chasm at the saloon, spots his nemesis, and then walks straight toward the saloon. As in straight across the chasm? Is he Wiley Coyote all of a sudden? You can hear his footsteps as he leaves the frame, proving that everyone involved cared so little about the movie that they forgot that there was a cliff, apparently. And that they didn’t care enough to Foley the sounds of boots walking on dirt. Yes, his footsteps are hardsoles walking on a tile or other hard surface. It’s very very jarring. If you don’t care enough to ensure a little continuity why should I care enough to finish your movie?
Director Barry Sonnenfield should have known better. Before you point out that he was Executive Producer of the short-lived Fantasy Island remake let me point out that he was also EP of the fabulous and short-lived show Maximum Bob. He should have known better.
I was really worried I wouldn’t be able to get through this entry without typing the word “ergo”, but I made it.