It was a big night last night. I’m sure you all gathered your loved ones around the teevee to anxiously await Mike Huckabee’s live media event:

Sadly, when Huckabee opened the vault to determine whether or not he should run for President, he found Michaele Salahi and Geraldo eating peanut butter and fluffernutter sandwiches on Wonder Bread. He then made a statement about looking into his heart and his heart telling him not to run, presumably because his heart had just had a conference call with his bank account and didn’t want to give up all the filthy lucre that pours in from FOX for doing shows like this.

Mike Huckabee is scary for many reasons, not least among them that he’s charming and smart and popular and he can raise money and he doesn’t let things like facts or science get in the way of a good time.

Last week, he appeared to denounce the Birthers on ABC News. Monday he was a call-in guest on conservative radio host Steve Malzberg’s show.

Huckabee made the comments in an interview with conservative talk radio host Steve Malzberg, who asked the former Arkansas governor whether he thought it was troubling that “we don’t have a health record, we don’t have a college record, we don’t have a birth certificate” for Obama.

“I would love to know more,” said Huckabee, who is a Fox News host and is currently in the midst of a nationwide tour for his new book. “What I know is troubling enough.”

“If you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather,” Huckabee told Malzberg, “their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather.”

At another point in the interview, Huckabee said, “one thing that I do know is his having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits, for example, very different than the average American.”

Obama was born in Hawaii in 1961 and raised there and spent several years in Indonesia. His father was from Kenya, but Obama did not travel there until later in life.

Huckabee’s people tried to backpedal somewhat after the interview, of course, a standard Right wing tactic that enables them to get their opinion out to the Base and then sort of correct it within earshot of the mainstream media. But this wasn’t a simple slip of the tongue. Huckabee has enough experience talking about this topic and if you listen to the clip he sounds like he knows exactly what he’s saying.

The Real American/Tea Party constituency has no problem denouncing the British Imperialists when they talk about the U.S. and independence, so this is an especially peculiar way for Huckabee to send his Base the message that he was just paying lip-service on ABC and that he’s really still one of them. See also: the origins of the name “Tea Party.”

Huckabee continued his book tour today, where he was back on the air with Bryan Fischer vehemently denying he’s a birther, but still unable to grasp that growing up in Hawai’i might bear some resemblance to growing up in the rest of the U.S.

“And I have said many times,” he later added, “publicly, that I do think he has a different worldview and I think it’s, in part, molded out of a very different experience. Most of us grew up going to Boy Scout meetings and, you know, our communities were filled with Rotary Clubs, not madrassas.”

I’m too lazy to do a lot of historical research, but it would appear that the first Boy Scout troop in Hawai’i was founded by a British Scout leader in 1901, nine years before the Boy Scouts of America were incorporated. In fact, scouting appears to be very popular in Hawaii and there were actually 3 Boy Scout Councils in Hawaii at the time President Obama was growing up.

Yes, it’s true that President Obama lived in Indonesia for 4 years, from ages 6-10. He talks about that period of his life in his book, “Dreams from My Father.” That’s the book where he mentions that he was a Boy Scout. (Check page 50, Mr. Huckabee).

This whole thing is aggravating my Huckaphobia. I think I need to go check in with what Charlie Sheen is up to tonight.

We got 3 Huckalerts on our voicemail yesterday about Huckabee’s Huckastop in our area. We didn’t go. Neither did any of our progressive Jewish friends who were also bombarded with calls to attend this undoubtedly heartwarming Christmas book signing. I did, however, take the occasion to review the Huckalerts prank page, because it always makes me laugh.

It’s been a tumultuous few days, what with someone parking a truck in our internet tubes during a critical juncture in our headcheese and scrapple research. Plus, we’ve had loads of new music to blog about, not to mention more political musings to share than you can shake a pundit at.

Husband and I are resilient folk so we’ve been hanging on. By our fingernails, but we’ve been hanging on. After I wasted 6 hours today waiting for Comcast – I salvaged this beautiful early spring day by going for a run with my pals (who I think of as the AlternaMoms).

We were both horrified and amused when we overhead one of their tweenagers remark to her pack, “My mom and the other geriatric riot grrls RULE this neighborhood.”

I’m sure we were little jackasses when we were their age, too. Also, someday they’ll be old, too. If they’re lucky. Also, we can run circles around them. Also, I bet they don’t know…

[here my blogging mojo broke down and I yelled at Husband, “Give me the name of a popular song that’s a cover of a really cool song.” To which he replied, “No.”]

Moving right along…I’m reminded me of this deeply (hilariously) traumatic post I read at The Contrarian this morning in the 8 minutes I had working internet access today. “If there’s a rock-n-roll heaven” was spawned by Casey’s accidental viewing of Mike Huckabee’s demented show on FoxNews.

Now, we’re all aware of Huckabee’s bass prowess (mothereffer can walk the fuck out of a I-IV-V progression), but did you know he also has his own house band that regularly mangles classic rock numbers? Then there’s the special guests: the segment I caught featured not one, but two ex-Miss Americas struggling through “Leaving on a Jet Plane” alongside Huck and the band (which includes a smattering of FOX News dweebezoids). I’d love to show it to you, but I can’t find it anywhere on the webernets. What the Huck?

I risked a relapse in my Huckaphobia to watch the youtube clips that Casey posted, and they’re pretty hilarious. As a bonus, Liz Claman makes me feel like I’m a really great singer.

I’m now filled with this insane desire to perform “I Love Rock-n-Roll” on the Mike Huckabee show. Go read the post and watch the videos.

(Geriatric) sisterhood is powerful. Rock on.

As you know, I developed Huckaphobia almost 2 years ago. You might think it would have abated by now, but you’d be thinking wrong.

Monday night I happened to send Samer the link to Huckalerts, a prank which still makes me laugh until I cry. This is good because I was then able to use it to inoculate myself while watching Huckabee’s appearance on the Daily Show last night.

It was a long interview, a two-parter. The topic I wish to fuss about is in the second half of the interview:

Sure, Jon Stewart gave him what-for, but it’s still chilling to watch because Huckabee is a personable, relatable guy who has the attention of a lot of moderates who don’t feel personally connected to this issue. (I hate using the word “issue”, I feel like “human right” or even just “right” is a better term, but I’ll use issue because that’s the context for the discussion).

It boils down to this: You people are not spending enough time worrying about Mike Huckabee and it’s going to come back to bite us all.

p.s. I hope I haven’t been causing your feed readers to freak out, I’ve been cleaning up some of the old mangled code from the import to this site and sometimes when I update old posts it notifies people and then they get annoyed. Sorry.

Husband sent me this gem from Something Awful: “Canceling Your Huckalerts Subscription.”

It’s hard to imagine a man less-suited to wear the mantle of President of the United States of America than Mike Huckabee. The long shot Republican Presidential candidate and former Arkansas Governor is an unrepentant hillbilly who brags about cooking squirrels in popcorn poppers. He and his unspeaking wife, who looks perpetually startled, have raised a family of extremely large sons known for their largeness and propensity for torturing stray dogs.

Naturally, I love Mike Huckabee, and when I learned an acquaintance of mine by the name of Jared was an honest-to-god Huckabee supporter I felt the need to prank him. This prank represents the culmination of more than two weeks of harassing instant messages in which I impersonated a fictional Huckabee campaign update service called “Huckalerts”. I sent him approximately 30 Huckalerts over the course of those two weeks and many were received without comment from Jared.

What follows is his final battle with Huckalerts.

I have laryngitis so laughing really hard resulted in my producing painful and strange wheezing squeaky noises while tears streamed down my face. It was worth it. It was even better than “It’s Raining McCain,” which I choose to believe is real.

Every once in a while I stop obsessing over the horrors of a possible Huckabee presidency long enough to check on what the Democratic contenders are up to. The New York Times is reporting:

Senator Edward M. Kennedy intends to endorse the presidential candidacy of Senator Barack Obama during a rally on Monday in Washington, associates to both men confirmed, a decision that squarely pits one American political dynasty against another.

[blahblahblah woofwoofwoof read the whole article]

I’m not really sure what this means in terms of the Presidential race, I’m sure it’s momentous and all that. For me personally, it’s meant that Husband has had a busy weekend of unexpected work and has barely gotten to cook for me in the manner to which I am accustomed. He gets to do sound for Kennedys and Obama, though, so that’s nice for him.

I know I’ve been memed and I really will get to it. I’ve been very busy. Whereas her glamorous disability lifestyle includes watching copious amounts of Jerry Springer, mine includes a frightening amount of time spent sitting here in a cold sweat worrying about Mike Huckabee. (You thought I was going to say squirrels, didn’t you?)

Only 691 days until Huckabee’s Inauguration. Might as well start dress-shopping now. I do look good in red, at least.

It’s inevitable. I feel it in my bones. Even the ones that don’t have that nice constant deep-bone ache all of the time.

Doomed. Doomed, I tell you. He’s our next President, I just know it.

But more on this, much more on this, at a later date.