We got 3 Huckalerts on our voicemail yesterday about Huckabee’s Huckastop in our area. We didn’t go. Neither did any of our progressive Jewish friends who were also bombarded with calls to attend this undoubtedly heartwarming Christmas book signing. I did, however, take the occasion to review the Huckalerts prank page, because it always makes me laugh.

As you know, I developed Huckaphobia almost 2 years ago. You might think it would have abated by now, but you’d be thinking wrong.

Monday night I happened to send Samer the link to Huckalerts, a prank which still makes me laugh until I cry. This is good because I was then able to use it to inoculate myself while watching Huckabee’s appearance on the Daily Show last night.

It was a long interview, a two-parter. The topic I wish to fuss about is in the second half of the interview:

Sure, Jon Stewart gave him what-for, but it’s still chilling to watch because Huckabee is a personable, relatable guy who has the attention of a lot of moderates who don’t feel personally connected to this issue. (I hate using the word “issue”, I feel like “human right” or even just “right” is a better term, but I’ll use issue because that’s the context for the discussion).

It boils down to this: You people are not spending enough time worrying about Mike Huckabee and it’s going to come back to bite us all.

p.s. I hope I haven’t been causing your feed readers to freak out, I’ve been cleaning up some of the old mangled code from the import to this site and sometimes when I update old posts it notifies people and then they get annoyed. Sorry.

Husband sent me this gem from Something Awful: “Canceling Your Huckalerts Subscription.”

It’s hard to imagine a man less-suited to wear the mantle of President of the United States of America than Mike Huckabee. The long shot Republican Presidential candidate and former Arkansas Governor is an unrepentant hillbilly who brags about cooking squirrels in popcorn poppers. He and his unspeaking wife, who looks perpetually startled, have raised a family of extremely large sons known for their largeness and propensity for torturing stray dogs.

Naturally, I love Mike Huckabee, and when I learned an acquaintance of mine by the name of Jared was an honest-to-god Huckabee supporter I felt the need to prank him. This prank represents the culmination of more than two weeks of harassing instant messages in which I impersonated a fictional Huckabee campaign update service called “Huckalerts”. I sent him approximately 30 Huckalerts over the course of those two weeks and many were received without comment from Jared.

What follows is his final battle with Huckalerts.

I have laryngitis so laughing really hard resulted in my producing painful and strange wheezing squeaky noises while tears streamed down my face. It was worth it. It was even better than “It’s Raining McCain,” which I choose to believe is real.

Yesterday I had a meeting downtown and took a brief detour through the Smithsonian’s Sackler Gallery of Asian Art. I was looking at that lovely, serene building with it’s beautiful and dignified collections and it’s noble mission to educate and enlighten in the public sphere and I thought to myself, “You know, Washington really needs more overpriced and tacky shit.”

I’m not really sure how Washington, DC survived all these years without a Madame Tussauds, so you can imagine how happy I was when I opened the Washington Post this morning and saw that the new wax museum is nearing completion in the old Woodies building. I’d heard about this project, but was in complete denial, I think.

I’m relieved that kids will be able to see replicas of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. I’m often worried that they’ll go see the real ones for free. And in some sort of historical context or some such nonsense. The time I save no longer worrying about that can now be blocked off for fretting over the rise of Mike Huckabee. You’re saying “who?” now, but that’s what people outside of Arkansas said about Clinton, too. (Which? Both).

I know I’ve been memed and I really will get to it. I’ve been very busy. Whereas her glamorous disability lifestyle includes watching copious amounts of Jerry Springer, mine includes a frightening amount of time spent sitting here in a cold sweat worrying about Mike Huckabee. (You thought I was going to say squirrels, didn’t you?)

Only 691 days until Huckabee’s Inauguration. Might as well start dress-shopping now. I do look good in red, at least.

It’s inevitable. I feel it in my bones. Even the ones that don’t have that nice constant deep-bone ache all of the time.

Doomed. Doomed, I tell you. He’s our next President, I just know it.

But more on this, much more on this, at a later date.