For “Formula 407” (1.12), which aired on January 22, 1977, the team of director Herb Wallerstein and writer Elroy Schwartz pull out all the stops to Nazi Nazi Nazi Secret Formula Steve Trevor is an idiot.

I’m sorry, what? No, that’s not what I meant to say at all.

Let’s just get right to it, shall we? The sooner we get out of season 1, the sooner we’ll be done with all these Nazis. Also, the wardrobe gets way groovier.

Ft. Frazier Ordnance Testing Facility August, 1942

Over the last few episodes, we’ve spent several months in September and now it’s finally August?

Are you kidding me? How in the name of all that is good and decent in this world are we back to August?

Whatever.

Over a loudspeaker, we hear that the testing operation is about to begin. Major Steve Trevor (Lyle Waggoner), Yeoman Diana Prince (Lynda Carter), General Blankenship (Richard Eastman), Private Etta Candy (Beatrice Colen), and a bunch of Army Officer Dudes watch a bunch of Enlisted Army Dudes try to blow up an Army truck. It looks just like a regular army truck…because it is.

Things get pretty explodey, but that’s one plucky little truck! Its tires have been reinforced with Formula 407, a secret experimental formula which makes rubber as strong as steel.

Well that’s great. It explains why the landmines and bazooka shells don’t damage the tires, but it doesn’t explain why the rest of the truck, which is made out of regulation canvas and steel, is unscathed.

Oh, who cares why the rest of the truck is indestructible! What matters is that the test is a success! That puts our plot in motion!

The General tells Steve to go to Argentina to get the formula for Formula 407 from Professor Moreno, inventor of Formula 407.

Argentina is a neutral country but it’s chock full of German sympathizers. The General asks Diana to go with Steve, because she speaks Spanish, which will come in handy in Argentina which is a neutral country where they speak Spanish.

Argentina is a neutral country, don’t forget that. It’s on the quiz.

In case the awkward expository dialogue about Argentine neutrality didn’t penetrate the brains of viewers either too young or too stoned to retain information of geopolitical significance, a title appears on the screen, accompanied by some smooth latin 70s jazz: Buenos Aires, Argentina – A picturesque country that has remained neutral in this time of war.

Really:

The Home of Professor Moreno
Professor Moreno (ubiquitous character actor Nehemiah Persoff) works in his home lab with his beautiful assistant Maria (Marissa Pavan). They work on Formula 407. Who would ever think to look for world-famous Professor Moreno’s secret lab in his huge mansion he never leaves? It is, after all, a neutral country, so there probably aren’t any spies. Not any who know about Formula 407, anyway.

The Professor knows the Americans are the good guys. Formula 407. Maria gratuitously mentions Argentine neutrality. Formula 407.

SS Headquarters – Berlin, Germany
The Nazis scheme to steal Formula 407.

Yessireebob, you’re gonna be missing the days of the XPJ1 by the end of this episode.

The Following Morning in Washington, D.C.

Diana files things.

Etta wink-wink-nudge-nudges about all the sexy times Diana and Steve can have in Argentina, in addition to some awkward dialogue about “hot blooded gauchos” that we’re going to move right on past.

Steve Trevor and Diana land at Buenos Aries Airport

Why doesn’t Diana have a last name on this title card? Is it 1970s sexism? Are the writers acknowledging she’s the real hero? Are the title setters lazy? Does the writer actually get it that the core audience is 5 year old girls who know the score? I have questions. None are about Argentine neutrality or Formula 407. Only some of them are about the passage of time in the summer of 1942.

Right. Anyway.

The U.S. Ambassador meets Steve and Diana at the airport and tells them Argentina is allegedly a neutral country, but it’s full of people with all kinds of accents. (Really, that’s what they say).

Steve awkwardly mentions how they all have Swiss passports and work for sketchy Swiss Import Export companies. Steve and the Ambassador laugh knowingly. Nazis do the darndest things! #notallswisscounts

Incidentally, I skimmed some State Department documents and other historical resources to get an idea of what real-world August 1977 events this was about, because of course its not about fictional August 1942 at all, of course.

Much of U.S. policy toward Argentina from 1977 – 1980 grew out of President Carter’s new global emphasis on human rights. In addition, it was driven by a Congressionally-mandated halt on U.S. arms sales to Argentina, which was enacted in August 1977 and went into effect on October 1, 1978. U.S. officials grappled with internal disagreements over what tactics should be used to implement the human rights policy. The disagreements inside the Carter administration were not over whether or how to support the Argentine Government, but rather over how to influence its behavior.

Let’s not dive into Argentine-U.S. relations right now because we’ll forget that Major Steve Trevor and Yeoman Diana Prince are on the ground and ready for action in neutral Argentina. They all hop in a car and drive away.

A Few Miles Away Nazi Agents Wait…
Hans and his Nazi cohort hang out, bemoaning the American lack of punctuality.

The Nazis ambush the car, abducting Steve and the Ambassador while leaving Diana in the car. Good thing, too, because this allows Diana to run behind a tree, spin into Wonder Woman, attack the Nazis, and save the day.

Steve Trevor, in case you’ve forgotten, is a moron. He totally buys that Wonder Woman just happened to be in the neighborhood and dropped by to save his manly hide. Diana disappears, Wonder Woman shows up, there are unconscious Nazis scattered around, and all Steve can talk about is how he wants to take Wonder Woman to the movies.

The Ambassador invites Wonder Woman to dinner, but she tells him its her first visit to Buenos Aires so she’d like to see the sights. This is the exact same thing Diana said 10 minutes ago, but Steve is either too drunk to notice or maybe he has a head injury. I don’t know what the Ambassador’s excuse is.

Sunset – A Few Hours Later Diana, Steve, and the Ambassador arrive For Dinner at Professor Moreno’s House of Secret Science.

Time for a dinner party!

Professor Moreno and the Ambassador are patronizing dicks when Diana greets them in Spanish.

Professor Moreno introduces his daughter Lydia, who licks her lips at Man-candy Steve Trevor.

They also meet Maria and her fiancee, Senor Keller (John Devlin), a Swiss import-export broker. Remember 3 hours ago in storytime back in that scene at the airport when Steve made that pointed comment about Swiss Exporters in which they insinuated that they’re all Nazi spies? Good, I’m glad someone does, because Steve certainly doesn’t.

Steve doesn’t bat an eye at Senor Keller, Swiss Count and import-export agent.

Antonio, another dinner guest, tells Diana she’d be a most attractive lady if she’d just take “those terrible glasses off.”

Now Lydia is actually hanging on Steve, talking about Fate.

How much wine did these people drink during dinner?

Maria and Senor Keller giggle about sexually precocious Lydia’s experimentation.

Is this about to turn into a Ken Russell movie?

If anyone starts yelling about a white worm I’m out of here.

Senor Keller tells Maria that Steve Trevor is one of America’s great War Heroes.

“Him?” She asks, incredulous. Wait, no, she didn’t ask that, I did.

Outside, Senor Keller, who is actually Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, takes a walk and chats with his henchmen. He decides to take more than Formula 407 back to Berlin. He’s going to nap famous American War Hero Steve Trevor, too!

The henchmen are worried about Wonder Woman.

A Wonder Woman? How crazy! It’s not like the Nazis have spent 11 episodes assembling a clip file on her and viewing endless footage of her exploits against bullets and cars that need lifting, so you can understand why Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, is unconcerned.

Meanwhile, Antonio continues to pursue Diana and everyone says “Formula 407” a lot.

Lydia and Steve go for a walk so they can make out in the neutral Argentine moonlight, because she’s in no way too young for him or the daughter of Professor Moreno, who is their host.

Steve makes his move, but before the smooching kicks into high gear Nazis abduct them!

Diana must save them! She eludes Antonio, runs outside, and spins out of a horrible floor length baby blue gown and into Wonder Woman.

She’s immediately chloroformed. By Nazis.

The Following Morning Deep in the Cellars below Professor Moreno’s Home

Steve and Wonder Woman are tied up.

Up in the lab: Maria lies to the Professor, telling him that everyone left the party safely. Oh, and his underage daughter spent the night in the garden with Steve. The Professor is troubled that his underage daughter spent the night with Steve.

No time for that now, impressionable young viewers!

Down in the Cellar: Steve splains to Diana that the Nazis are after Formula 407. Then, they escape!

Up in the lab: Moreno learns that Senor Kellor is really Major Kellor, Nazi Swiss Count Spy. The Professor refuses to give Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, Formula 407.

Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, tells the Professor he’ll behave, because the Nazis have Lydia!

Maria is aghast at the depths of Major Keller’s fiendish plan.

Keller wants the Professor to give the Americans Fake Formula 407.

A Deserted Shack by the Beach

Lydia is tied to a chair!

Back at the lab: Maria’s consciousness has been raised! She tells the Professor that she thought Karl was a good Nazi, but she’s been having doubts ever since she learned he kidnapped Lydia 30 seconds ago.

Meanwhile, Steve and Diana skulk around the Secret House of Science, escaping the basement and finding the Professor in his lab.

In the lab: Steve Trevor, America’s Most Questionable War Hero, is surprised to learn that Swiss Count Keller is actually Swiss Count/Nazi Spy Major Keller, even though he’s been joking about Swiss Counts being Nazis since he touched down on Argentine soil.

Wonder Woman sneaks away and finds Maria in the parlor.

Maria is suspicious of this weird woman who just showed up out of the blue who looks so familiar and seems to have intimate knowledge of the private dinner the previous night at which Maria met similarly-shaped American brunette Diana Prince.

Wonder Woman appeals to Maria’s womanhood. Who among us hasn’t committed youthful indiscretions for love, such as becoming a Nazi?

In the lab: Steve convinces Moreno to give Keller the Fake Formula 407.

Steve leaps out of hiding and attacks Keller, but Keller’s henchmen capture Steve’s dumb ass and take possession of the real Formula 407. Keller is a chemist, he’s not falling for the Fake Formula 407! What a twist! He knows a fake formula when he sees it! What?!?

Just don’t think about it.

Wonder Woman sees Major Keller shove Steve into a car.

Wonder Woman saves Maria from a henchmen with her bullet-deflecting bracelets. Then, she uses her Golden Lasso to capture and question the henchman.

Wonder Woman leaves, casually handing off the Lasso to Maria, who was a Nazi 5 minutes ago but is now reformed enough to be trusted with the magical Golden Lasso, guard a henchman, and look after the most valuable Scientist in the world!

The Nazis Arrive at the Beach for their Rendezvous

A U-boat emerges from the depths.

Wonder Woman races to their rescue. Slowly. Through sand, in high heeled boots, through an awkwardly framed shot.

She swings by the shack to rescue Lydia before she goes out to save Mansel in Distress Steve Trevor.

Here, Wonder Woman expresses her feelings about the phallic symbols of patriarchy after she rescues Lydia. Bonus: cool 1970s super-power sound effects.

Running in Sand! Bending gun barrels! Capturing Nazis! So! Much! Excitement!

For good measure, Steve wrestles Keller. Or maybe a henchman. I can’t remember.

Nazi frogmen emerge from the surf for whatever reason. They begin hurling explosives at Wonder Woman, because who doesn’t carry large fling-able bombs in their wetsuit?

Luckily, the frogmen throw the bombs one at a time so Wonder Woman can safely catch each one and throw it away.

The frogmen retreat into the surf.

Steve is wearing his Big Boy Trousers today – he actually manages to catch Heller himself! Wonder Woman is so darn proud it looks like her dimples ache from smiling.

It’s pretty awkward.

Washington D.C. Several Days Later

Steve gets pissy when Diana tells Etta about Lydia. Steve takes Etta’s coffee away from her in retaliation. Steve is a monster!

Wait. Did Diana send Etta a postcard with classified information on the back?

Steve wonders how Wonder Woman always knows when he’s in trouble. Diana suggests “it could be women’s intuition” because, like quicksand, polyester, and the Bermuda Triangle, that’s a very 70s pop culture explanation.

Diana grins at Steve like a gooney bird; the frame freezes; we cut to the end credits.

Husband: If they have the Formula 407 truck tires, don’t they already have access to the formula? Why does the General need Moreno at all?

Apropos of nothing, here’s a Formula 409 commercial from 1977:

This episode contains:

Argentina
Bullets and Bracelets
Chloroform
Consciousness Raising
Dinner Party
Explosions
Eveningwear
Filing
Golden Lasso
Gun Bending
Innuendo
Mansel in Distress
Nazis
Neutrality
Science
Secret Formulas
Spies
Spinning
Uglifying Eyeglasses
Underage girls
Wine

Welcome back to the second part of “Judgment from Outer Space,” in which Wonder Woman must rescue an alien ambassador…from the Nazis.

We cannot get to the 2nd season and that sweet, sweet time-jump to the 1970s soon enough.

After the title sequence, Lynda Carter introduces us to the “previously on” montage, which goes on for an awfully long time and bolsters our opinion that this didn’t need to be a 2-parter. I’m not going to summarize it, mostly because you can just read the previous post and also because we were pretty busy mocking the Council’s space-attire and I didn’t take any notes.

We open with Wonder Woman in the space-ship, which she mimic-whistled her way into at the end of the last episode.

There are invisible force-field barriers in this episode. Invisible force-field barriers attract mime action like nobody’s business.

In the spaceship, Wonder Woman pretends to use her strength against an invisible barrier but fails to break through. I’m not sure whose failure we’re watching. The actor? Or the director? I think it’s a group effort. Either way it’s pretty bad. You feel embarrassed for the actor – that sort of empathy-embarrassment like when you laugh at a weird thing your pet who hasn’t been the same since he was hit by lightning does.

In Outer Space, taupe has conquered the Universe.

The War Department Washington D.C. Two Weeks After the Abduction of Andros.
General Blankenship is on the phone with President Roosevelt. After he hangs up, he informs Steve Trevor, America’s worst spy, that the British think Andros might be a prisoner at Schloss-Markham, the Secret Nazi Interrogation Center in Germany.

Schloss Markheim Interrogation Center in Germany.
Andros is indeed there.

Is is still September 1942? Is it always September 1942?

If David Lynch made a show where many months of story-time elapses but it’s always September 1942, he’d be hailed as a genius. On a related note: is there anything more boring than Showtime’s return to Twin Peaks?

No. No there is not.

It’s good to see we’re all in agreement.

Let’s move on.

London – British Intelligence.
Steve meets Evan Mallory, the Welsh secret agent who will smuggle Steve into Schloss Markheim.

Steve and the head of British intelligence engage in some pointedly anti-Welsh dialogue in front of Mallory, while Mallory stands there looking aggrieved. The British guy calls the Welsh “madmen” and suggests that’s why Mallory passes so well for a Nazi when he’s undercover. Really. And now they’re going to expect this man to keep Steve alive in Nazi territory?

On a related note: How is Steve Trevor still alive? Seriously. How did he survive long enough to even become Wonder Woman’s mansel in the first place?

Meanwhile, Back in Washington D.C..
Etta invites Diana on a beach weekend, but Diana tells her she’s going hunting. Hunting? Etta is properly perplexed. Diana assures her she’s not going hunting to hunt anything, but rather to find something. I guess technically that’s hunting, but maybe she should say she’s going “looking.”

Wonder Woman flies to Germany in her Invisible Jet. We love the inflight Brazilian jazz Wonder Woman relaxes to as she jets around the world.

Steve and Mallory parachute into Germany.

In the Schloss Markheim Laboratory, Bjornson sends Lisa the pretty fräulein to seduce him and learn all of his alien science secrets.

After Andros conducts an emergency therapy session/intervention Lisa runs away to question all of her life choices.

The leader of the Council contacts Andros, but Andros refuses to leave.

Wonder Woman breaks down the door to rescue Andros, but he refuses to leave with her.

The Nazis capture Wonder Woman. Again.

Bjornson the Nazi thinks the whole spaceman gimmick is a cover and Andros is just an American atomic scientist. He confiscates Wonder Woman’s power belt, which he believes Andros created using “scientific processing” to give her superpowers.

Andros is feisty, but his critique lack proportionality. Wonder Woman is skeptical when he equates American internment camps with Nazi concentration camps.

Steve and Mallory Arrive at Schloss Markheim
Steve’s cover is blown immediately because he’s Steve.

Bjornson the Nazi marches Steve, Wonder Woman and Andros 100 meters below the mountain for a little light torture.

Well, they don’t actually torture Wonder Woman or Andros, but there’s a lot of monologuing that’s a bit tortuous for the viewer.

Oh my gods and goddesses, this episode is a cavalcade of bad accents. Hollywood German. Hollywood Swedish. Hollywood Welsh. Hollywood British.

It would be more hilarious if it wasn’t dragging out across 2 episodes.

At least Andros finally realizes that Nazis are really bad guys.

The Council randomly calls in for a few minutes. It doesn’t make sense because Andros may or may not be the only one who sees them or maybe they freeze everyone but Andros or I don’t really know, but it distracts the Nazis long enough for Wonder Woman to grab her gear.

Wonder Woman and Andros make a run for it.

By “run for it” I mean “hide in a storage room and make googly eyes at one another.” Wonder Woman places her hand on his chest and he clasps her hand. It’s a surprisingly risque close-up for this show.

Steve and Mallory lead the Nazis on a wacky chase scene, eventually re-uniting with Wonder Woman and Andros after they finish doing whatever they were doing in the broom closet.

Wonder Woman knocks the Nazis down.

Lisa, newly liberated maybe-ex-Nazi fräulein, tells Andros she’s going to help him escape. She actually says “I don’t care what happens to the rest of you,” which I found to be a refreshing bit of honesty.

Andros, Steve, Wonder Woman and Mallory are cornered, so Andros calls the Council and pleads his case. Wonder Woman is the hope of the human race! And maybe the world!

The Council gives Andros his power back and everyone escapes.

I have no idea what happens to Lisa.

Several Days Later
Andros makes a weird and confusing speech about how humankind is flawed, destructive and plagued with “the disease of racial childhood.”

What does that mean?

Andros assured the Council that Wonder Woman will be a positive influence so they gave Earth a 50 year reprieve.

But then Andros invites her to leave Earth and travel with him in a series of adventures through time and space in a pitch that in no way resembles Doctor Who.

Not to put too fine a point on this, but: wouldn’t that violate the deal he just made with the Council which hinges on her hanging around Earth and being all peace-making?

Andros threatens her with some light stalking and informs Wonder Woman he’ll be back in 1992 to renew his Doctor Who offer. The character of Andros does in fact show back up in the 1970s and he’s played by another actor, so we’ll save the rest of the Doctor Who jokes for later.

Andros flies away.

Hey! It’s stock footage cherry blossom season in D.C.

Cherry blossom season is actually in March/April.

Apparently, during World War II it was always both September and cherry blossom season in Washington, D.C.

Back at the War Department.
Steve is jealous because he saw the way Andros looked at Wonder Woman, but Diana assures him that Wonder Woman would much rather be in D.C. with Steve, because Wonder Woman prefers her men young and stupid.

This episode contains:
Aliens
Belt (Amazon)
Bongo Drumming
Consciousness Raising
Fräulein Liberation
Invisible Jet
Mad Science
Mansels
Mime
Nazis
Underground Lairs
Whistle Mimicry

Title In: A Secret Testing Site Maryland, September 1942

General Blankenship (Richard Eastham) and Major Steve Trevor (Lyle Waggoner) watch a demonstration of Professor Warren’s earthquake machine. The Professor is played by Hayden Rorke, who played Dr. Bellows on I Dream of Jeannie, so already I have questions about his TV-scientific credibility.

Basically, Steve and the General are standing in a field watching shit blow up while Professor Warren’s assistant, Charles Benson (Albert Stratton), tells them that the explosions are causing small movements in the Earth’s crust.

The Professor explains that his ultimate goal is to prevent or control earthquakes using this technology he created to cause earthquakes.

I don’t know who let Steve and the General attend this demo without adult supervision, because they’re just standing around looking perplexed. But, to be fair, who wouldn’t? They want to weaponize earthquakes? That sounds like a terrible idea.

At LaGuardia Airport – New York Mr. Fallon (Robert Reed aka Mike Brady) and his Lady Friend (Mikki Jamison) arrive.

At The War Department Washington, D.C. One Hour Later Steve enthuses about the Professor’s work while Diana ruminates on how wonderful it would be if the earthquake machine could be used for peace.

General Blankenship tells Steve that a man fitting the description of The Falcon, an international mercenary, arrived at La Guardia, but slipped through Customs before they could put a tail on him.

Hey, do you think Mr. Fallon is…The Falcon?

Diana checks The Falcon’s file. He was last seen in India 2 weeks ago.

The Falcon infiltrates Professor Warren’s Secret Lab in Building 6 at the Scientific Institute. Gaining access to the Professor’s lab, The Falcon demands the Pluto File, which must be important because it’s the name of this episode.

The Falcon offers the Professor one million dollars for the file. The Professor refuses. The Falcon knocks out both the guard and the Professor. He escapes with the file.

At The Scientific Institute 20 Minutes Later, Steve, Diana, and the General inspect the crime scene. The Pluto File is missing! Who has stolen it? They should probably go to Walter Reed Hospital and ask the Professor some questions.

Meanwhile, out in a mountainous area that doesn’t resemble suburban Maryland in any way, shape or form, The Falcon and his henchman Frank do a little sniper practice on some innocent cantaloups.

Back at the War Department in Washington, D.C. Etta Candy (Beatrice Colen) reports that The Falcon’s Lady Friend is in the isolation ward in a New York hospital…with bubonic plague!

Diana reports that Sgt. Evans, a guard who was knocked out during the break-in, also has bubonic plague.

At Walter Reed Hospital. Diana and Steve talk to Dr. Barnes (Kenneth Tigar). The doctor tells them that bubonic plague is rare, but not unheard of. There’s the Falcon’s Lady Friend in New York. And just two weeks ago, there was an outbreak in India.

Let’s review, Steve: The Falcon is a mercenary who just arrived in the United States. Stealing the Pluto File totally sounds like it would be The Falcon’s jam. There was an outbreak of plague in India 2 weeks ago. The Falcon was in India 2 weeks ago. The Falcon’s Lady Friend has the plague. The guard who tried to stop the burglar who stole the Pluto File caught the plague. What could it possibly mean? Surely even Steve Trevor will connect these dots…

But no.

Fortunately, Diana is able to connect dots. She thinks The Falcon is carrying the plague and he took the Pluto File.

The professor is sleeping so Diana sits by his bed and delivers a weird monologue:

“You have discovered the hope of the ancients. Since time began, man has sought that knowledge, the knowledge to still the Earth’s tremors. Or to cause them to quake with the energy of the Sun.”

Um. What?

Luckily, we don’t get much time to think about it, because somehow Diana realizes the Professor is in danger. She spins into Wonder Wonder in front of the open window. Since the Falcon is preparing to shoot the Professor through that window, this seems like a bad idea for a couple of reasons. But using heavy explosives to start and/or stop earthquakes also seems like a bad idea, so let’s just move on.

With her bullet-deflecting bracelets, Wonder Woman saves Professor Warren from the Falcon’s sniper attack. She jumps out the window and gives chase, but The Falcon has already made tracks. There’s some Wonder Woman jumping action, but as a chase scene, it’s over before it starts. Frank is a competent henchman and he kept the car engine running while The Falcon did his sniper thing.

The Following Day – A Mid-Town Hotel

The Professor’s assistant, Charles Benson, is colluding with the Falcon! The Falcon, Benson, and Frank plan to cause a massive earthquake in Washington, D.C. Frank and Benson work for The Falcon.

I wonder who The Falcon could possibly be working for?

At the War Department, Diana reports that Sgt. Evans definitely has the plague. Oh, sure, now Steve is sure The Falcon stole the file. And yet, he’s only “pretty sure” The Falcon tried to assassinate the Professor. Oh, Steve. Diana tells him she’s certain there’s a leak in the Professor’s lab. She’s suspicious of Charles Benson.

Steve and Diana return to in Building 6. The Professor is back at work. While the Professor describes the burglar to Steve and Diana, Benson works in the lab.

Benson is a sweaty, coughing mess, which really ought to be more of a cause for concern considering one of their lab’s guards is in the hospital with bubonic plague.

Diana leaves the lab to bring the car around. Steve suggests that Benson go to the hospital. Benson locks Steve and the Professor in the lab and makes a run for it.

Diana spots Benson running through what is obviously California, spins into Wonder Woman, catches him with her golden lasso, and makes him confess that he’s working for the Falcon.

Can you guess who the Falcon is working for?

(Nazis. He’s working for the Nazis).

Wonder Woman and Steve ship Benson off to the hospital in an ambulance. Steve has a lot of questions, but none of them are: Where is Diana? or Why is Wonder Woman here? or Why don’t we have more guards around this place? I have a question: Why is Steve Trevor considered a brilliant spy?

Meanwhile, on A Road Leading to Bladensburg, Frank drives The Falcon to Bladensburg, Maryland by way of a California evergreen forest.

Any time any character says “Bladensburg” they pronounce it “Blaahdensburg” which causes Husband to snicker and yell “Blaaaaaaahdensburg.”

Unfortunately, Frank realizes they’re running out of gas! Stupid war rationing! They coast in to a rural gas station where rural rube Bobby attends to the gas tank while Frank checks under the hood.

Frank is feverish, so he drinks out of the water hose after he fills the radiator reservoir. He coughs on Bobby. Bobby also drinks out of the hose. Bobby is a hick, so there’s a comic banjo plucking interlude on the soundtrack while he drinks out of the hose and contracts the deadly plague. Hilarity!

Outside the secret experimental atomic research laboratory in Bladensburg, Maryland, Frank and The Falcon continue to mispronounce Bladensburg.

Meanwhile In Unsuspecting Washington, D.C., Diana informs Steve that a patient with bubonic plague is being transported from “Blahdensburg” to Walter Reed.

“Blahdensburg!” Steve exclaims. “You’re pronouncing it all wrong!”

Just kidding.

Steve observes that it’s strange there’s a plague case in Blahdensburg, the same small town the General asked them to meet about a top secret project!

At Walter Reed Hospital, Diana and Steve question Bobby. Bobby describes the two men. Like the Professor, he describes The Falcon as “athletic” even though he tells them that The Falcon didn’t even get out of the car, so how does he know that? Plus, The Falcon is not athletic. The writers can keep putting those words in characters’ mouths, but we’re still not buying what they’re selling.

Bobby also says Blahdensburg.

I’m very disappointed in you, Bobby.

After they leave the hospital, Steve and Diana drive out to Bladensburg to meet General Blankenship at Project 741, “the cyclotron reactor part of the Manhattan Project.”

As they arrive, the lab begins the unstoppable countdown to a reactor core test. Oh, TV scientists and your unstoppable test countdowns! You do like to live large don’t you?

By the way, the code name for the Manhattan Project was assigned August 13, 1942. This episode takes place in September, which seems like an awfully short amount of time for a project this highly compartmentalized and secret to be so widely and casually known in the War Department – a strange historical inaccuracy in a genre otherwise so deeply devoted to authenticity and historical and scientific realism.

(I just wanted to see if I could type that without laughing out loud).

(I couldn’t).

Anyway, let’s avoid falling down a nuclear history rabbit hole and just admire this swanky set design:

Diana excuses herself from the core-testing excitement, goes out into the Maryland/California forest, and spins into Wonder Woman just in time for a series of explosions around the secret Project 741 atomic lab.

The Falcon has used the earthquake machine to trigger an earthquake!

Steve tells the scientists they have to shut down the reactor tests, because The Falcon is loose in the area with the plans for an earthquake machine, which is maybe something he should have mentioned in the last scene right before the scientists started the unstoppable core reactor test.

The scientists aren’t worried, even though Steve just told them a madman is in the area with an earthquake machine and they just had an earthquake.

The scientists say they chose the location of the lab because it isn’t near any fault lines. While this is technically accurate, that doesn’t mean there aren’t faults in Maryland. Or earthquakes.

Also, not to put too fine point on it, but there’s a mercenary loose in the neighborhood with an earthquake machine.

Here’s what the U.S. Geologic Service says about the difference between faults and fault-lines:

Faults are different from fault lines. A fault is a three-dimensional surface within the planet Earth. At the fault, rocks have broken. The rocks on one side of the fault have moved past the rocks on the other side. In contrast, a fault line is a line that stretches along the ground. The fault line is where the fault cuts the Earth’s surface. Faults come in all sizes, from small ones whose short fault lines you can see in a single road cut, to huge faults whose long fault lines can be seen best in pictures taken from orbiting satellites. On continents, faults are everywhere, of all sizes, and they formed at many different times during the Earth’s long history.

The U.S.G.S. doesn’t appear to have any comment available about the feasibility of earthquake machines.

The point is: earthquakes happen in Maryland and even if they didn’t, this is a stupidly designed research facility with a stupid countdown protocol and stupid scientists who don’t know how to cool down their own reactor core if the test they’re doing to see how hot they can heat the reactor malfunctions.

Fine. Look.I’m willing to give back a few points for authenticity, because those are some authentic-looking government science lab puke-green cinderblock walls. Steve and the General could be standing in my old grad school office in the Physics Department.

Husband is still snickering everytime someone says Blaaaaahdensburg.

And now I’m distracted by this index to historical documents about nuclear history in Maryland. I’ll give you a moment to see what caught my eye:

Right. So where were we?

As they make their getaway, The Falcon tells Frank that he’s concerned that the Professor might be the one person on Earth who can stop the tremors they’ve started, since he’s the one person on Earth who has figured out how to start them in the first place.

At the Science Institute, Wonder Woman assists the Professor with math.

He wants to use Hooke’s Law to do some calculations involving potential energy and harmonic oscillation and that seems like something a seismologist ought to be able to do himself. Nevertheless, they math.

The Professor marvels at a woman writing an equation on a chalkboard, staring at her like he’s watching a poodle dance on its back legs while it plays the kazoo.

Meanwhile, snare drums on the soundtrack tell us that The Falcon and Frank are staking out the Professor’s secret lab. It’s a secret military base, in case you forgot.

There are only 2 guards posted around the perimeter of this massive, critically important facility which contains plans for dangerous shit like earthquake machines. Luckily, Wonder Woman is inside, mathing with the Professor.

Back in Blahdensburg, the scientists try to figure out how to cool down the reactor core while Steve and the General wring their hands. At least Steve dispatches more guards to the Professor’s lab.

Outside Building 6, a truck with more guards screeches up and the guards disperse around the building. Unfortunately, in the back – which Husband and I call “the California side of the lab” – there are still only 2 guards.

Frank and The Falcon hop a fence. Frank creates a diversion, while The Falcon prepares to make his move.

Frank has the plague, so his diversion is basically running over to a chainlink fence and crumpling onto the ground. Wonder Woman instructs the guards to call an ambulance and watch out for plague cooties.

She runs back inside and resumes mathing, sagely telling the professor: “integral calculus is always problematical.”

Is it, Wonder Woman? Is it?

Wonder Woman and the Professor math some more.

Wonder Woman steps out for more chalk and The Falcon makes his move, but he’s all sweaty and coughing and plague-infested so he’s a little off his game.

Even though he’s sweaty and coughing and clearly plague-infested, but he doesn’t believe Wonder Woman when she tells him he has the bubonic plague.

Suddenly, an earthquake creates a distraction! Wonder Woman uses her golden lasso to capture The Falcon.

The Professor has an epiphany! They can stop the reactor from overheating by flooding it with water! He calls the nuclear plant, yelling “I’m a seismologist, not a nuclear scientist!”

The day, it is saved!

Husband: “I’m not sure what happened there, but it didn’t seem very expensive.”

With a wry grin, the Professor tells Wonder Woman, “Someday, I’d like to discover how to stop an earthquake.” Then they laugh and laugh and laugh as though his earthquake-causing technology didn’t almost just destroy Washington, D.C. so yeah, if you’re going to cause earthquakes with your earthquake machine you probably ought to also invent and earthquake-stopping machine.

Back at the War Department, Diana reports to Steve and Etta that all the bubonic plague patients are going to make a full recovery.

Diana hopes that The Falcon spends his time in prison thinking about all the bad things he did and resolves change his evil ways and do good in the world.

Steve approves of the power of Diana’s positive thinking. It’s just like Wonder Woman’s positive thinking!

This episode contains:
Atomic Anachronisms
Bubonic Plague
Bullets and Bracelets
California
Earthquake Machine
Earthquakes
Golden Lasso
Henchmen
Jumping
Mad Science
Math
Nazi Spies
Nukes
Scientist
Sexism
Spies
Spinning
Stolen Plans
Stupid Codenames