From plucky war orphans to plucky mute war orphans, “The Bushwackers” has everything.

Everything except…Nazis.

I know, right? I couldn’t believe it either. I thought for sure my notes were wrong, but on re-review it turns out this episode is 100% Nazi-free.

Enjoy, because the place is just lousy with Nazis again in the next episode, but it’s the season 1 finale so it will all be worth it. But for now, let’s get back to The Bushwhackers:

Let’s not dwell on the fact that it’s September 1942.
Again.
Still.
Still again.

The map of Texas dissolves into cattle-drive stock footage, which dissolves to a teenager on a galloping horse.

That’s Jeff, tween-age son of Diamond H ranch owner J.P. Jeff busts in on some J.P. – orphan bonding time to tell his dad that 100 head of his cattle have been rustled.

In a bit of cheesy 1970s stunt-casting, J.P. is played by the legendary Roy Rogers.

J.P. isn’t going to stand for his cattle being rustled! Those cows are earmarked for the military! J.P. calls the Sheriff (David Clarke).

At the sheriff’s office: The Sheriff finishes chatting with J.P. and then tells Deputy Walt (Henry Darrow) that J.P. plans to call his old pal General Blankenship (Richard Eastman). Deputy Walt freaks out and talks the Sheriff into going out to the Diamond H to talk some sense into J.P.

Meanwhile, at the Diamond H, J.P. is already on the phone with General Blankenship at the War Department.

The General promises to send the War Department’s Intelligence Team leader, Major Steve Trevor (Lyle Waggoner), because obviously Steve doesn’t have anything more important to do in the middle of a World War than deal with cattle rustlers and blackmarket beef.

After J.P. hangs up the phone, he tells Jeff that the War Department is sending Steve Trevor to investigate. Even Jeff knows who Steve Trevor is: he’s a famous War Hero!

Jeff seems to think it’s weird to send a War Hero to investigate a cattle rustling ring. Jeff doesn’t understand that the regular cast was getting pretty bored with the endless Nazi plots and were allegedly threatening to mutiny.

Back at the War Department, the General tells Yeoman Diana Prince (Lynda Carter) and Private Etta Candy (Beatrice Colen) that Steve is going on a mission to investigate cattle rustlers.

Etta chirps that steak is better for morale than two Betty Grable movies. When Etta isn’t eating onscreen, she’s talking about food. Because she’s the unsexy non-threatening plump gal pal in the office, don’t ya know.

Diana says something vague about the importance of food to the war effort.

Because Steve thinks Diana doesn’t have enough fun in her life, he gives her a 3 day furlough.

We don’t see it onscreen, but we can assume that 3 seconds after Steve is wheels-up, Diana spins into Wonder Woman and heads to Texas in her Invisible Jet.

That Afternoon at the Diamond H Ranch House

J.P. tells the Sheriff and Deputy Walt that Steve Trevor, War Hero, is on his way to deal with the rustlers.

Late That Evening Steve Flies Toward Texas

…In her Invisible Plane Wonder Woman Follows Steve

At the ranch, J.P. teaches his plucky war orphans campfire safety.

Charlie (David Yanez), the Navajo orphan, hasn’t said a word since his father died at Pearl Harbor. His father was J.P.’s ranch foreman.

French orphan Babette (Christelle Gaspart) doesn’t know fire safety. Or acting. She will never work in television again.

British orphan Freddie (Justin Randi) is a fire know-it-all. Or maybe a budding arsonist, it’s hard to say. According to IMDB, Justin won’t last much longer in Hollywood than Christelle.

Carey Wong, who plays Sen the Hong Kong war orphan, doesn’t get much farther.

Kristoff St. John, who plays Linc the Harlem orphan, goes on to a very successful television career, appearing in 1,563 episodes of the soap opera the Young and the Restless among other things.

Meanwhile, at the Ghost Town:

The title writers were really digging the drama of the ellipse in this episode.

Deputy Walt is part of the cattle rustling ring. Consequently, Deputy Walt doesn’t want this War Hero messing around in Mob business.

Later that Same Morning at the Diamond H

The orphans can’t wait to meet a big War Hero like Steve Trevor. Hey, maybe the orphans can find out why the hell Steve is considered such a big War Hero!

Jeff is jealous of J.P.’s new family.

Jeff is played by Lance Kerwin, who goes on to play the role of young Mark Petrie in Tobe Hooper’s made-for-tv adaptation of Salem’s Lot in 1979. We weren’t “allowed” to watch Salem’s Lost when it originally aired but most of my friends had older siblings who used vague allusions to rampant childhood vampirism to inflict terror on us anyway. To this day I retain the compulsion to make small crosses out of popsicle sticks. Kim said we had to make them or we’d be sorry and Kim was much older so she clearly knew what she was talking about.

Here’s a photo of David Soul with a popsicle stick cross, from Salem’s Lot (1979).

Still at the ranch: Spunky Black orphan Linc says grace before breakfast: “Thank you for making Texas a better place than Harlem.”

Are you kidding me? Why are they still flying? Why aren’t they there yet? Did it really take this long to fly from D.C. to Texas in 1942? I’d look it up, but I don’t care enough. Let’s just assume that time moves differently in September 1942 and leave it at that.

At long last, Steve lands at the military base in Texas!

He borrows a jeep and drives straight into a trap.

Who could have seen that coming?

Steve turns into a stunt double who looks nothing like Lyle Waggoner, steps on a trap door, and falls into a pit.

Good job, Steve!

The rustlers cover the pit with a boulder and wipe their hands of this whole war hero situation.

Wonder Woman Arrives That Afternoon at the Diamond H Ranch

Wonder Woman is concerned because Steve Trevor hasn’t arrived yet. Maria the Diamond H’s maid doesn’t know why he hasn’t arrived yet, but Charlie the mute Navajo orphan leads her to the Trevor-Trap.

Wonder Woman lifts the boulder and saves Steve’s bacon. Again.

Steve believes Wonder Woman when she tells him she just happened to be in Texas investigating reports of cattle rustling, even though she uses the same vague explanation about the importance of food to the war effort that Diana used yesterday.

Also, who does Steve think Wonder Woman gets her orders from? If she’s a free agent and not, oh, say, someone who works in his office, who would be calling her to look into something like cattle rustling?

Oh Steve, you are such an idiot.

At the Diamond H Ranch

Wonder Woman is wearing her cape! Wonder Woman and Steve learn that orphan Charlie’s father was J.P.’s former foreman.

J.P. asks Marie the maid to loan Wonder Woman some clothes. Maria isn’t even remotely the same size or height as Wonder Woman.

.

The Following Morning at the Ghost Town

The cattle rustlers unload the cattle.

In the 1970s, Hollywood loved old west ghost towns. Every Hollywood studio had a Old West set on the back lot, so a Western town location was an economical choice. Know what’s even more cost-effective than shooting on an existing set? Making it a ghost town so you don’t have to hire extras!

In the 1970s, Hollywood really loved old west ghost town jails. Do you think someone is going to find themselves locked up in a ghost town jail before the end of the episode?

Hey, remember that time the Brady Bunch went to an Old West ghost town and got locked up in the jail? Now what was the name of that episode, again? Oh right: it was Ghost Town U.S.A.

At the Diamond H Ranch

Wonder Woman tells the plucky war orphans they can be anything they want if they eat right and exercise. (Seriously. That’s exactly what she says).

Being childlike and trusting, Wonder Woman tells the children about all of her vulnerabilities. The belt. The lasso. The bracelets. Her faith in Steve Trevor’s abilities as a War Hero. All of it.

Then, Wonder Woman demonstrates her Golden Lasso by forcing 10 year old orphans to confess their dark secrets to her.

I wish I was kidding.

At the Sheriff’s Department

Jeff is colluding with the cattle rustlers! He tells Deputy Walt about Wonder Woman! Deputy Walt manipulates Jeff by preying on his insecurity and unstable sense of identity in a ruptured family configuration which has de-centered his relationship with his father.

Deputy Walt sends Jeff home to find out the secret of Wonder Woman’s strength.

Later that Day

Wait…what? We finally cut back to the ranch and they’re just now finishing up breakfast? Well, yes, I suppose that means it’s technically later, just not that much later. It’s also September 1942. Who cares? Let’s just move on.

Steve drives out to the military base to use their scrambler phone to report to the General. Every now and again, Steve does something sensible.

Sort of. Despite being ambushed on that very same road just hours before, he hits the road alone.

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman goes for a horseback ride with J.P. and Jeff. A rattle snake spooks Jeff’s horse and it runs away with him. Wonder Woman rides to the rescue.

J.P. helps the now-injured Jeff back to the ranch.

Deputy Walt and a henchman chase down Wonder Woman, jump out of the car, tackle her horse, and capture her. Okay, fine, they don’t actually tackle her horse, but there’s definitely a gratuitous horse-fall stunt in the scene. Here’s the clip (en español):

Deputy Walt uses the intel about Wonder Woman’s weaknesses to disarm her, but he just chucks all her powerful magical accessories in a pasture.

Luckily, little orphan Charlie was watching the whole time and retrieves the items.

At the base, Steve asks for a background check on Deputy Walt. Even Steve thinks that guy is suspicious.

Next up: a car chase! The rustlers chase Steve, although I’m not sure why and I’m not motivated to find out. I’m guessing it’s because he didn’t stay in the first Trevor-Trap and is still on their trail, but maybe it’s because they know Steve knows that Deputy Walt is an identity-thieving imposter who lied his way into the Deputy job so he could keep the Sheriff from solving the case.

I don’t really care because I’m too busy admiring Steve’s wardrobe. He is dressed to kill in his Western duds.

Back at the Ranch, Charlie breaks his silence, telling the other orphans that Wonder Woman is a prisoner in the ghost town jail.

The orphans sneak into the to the ghost town jail and return her accessories. With her belt back, she now has the strength to bend the bars of the cell and escape.

Oh wait, that’s Mike Brady. He can’t bend the bars of his ghost town jail cell. That’s what happens when you get your accessories from J.C. Penney’s instead of Paradise Island, Bradys!

When Wonder Woman and the orphans return to the Diamond H Ranch, Jeff confesses that he’s been helping the rustlers because “Deputy Walt took an interest” in him, unlike his own father.

Wonder Woman lays a huge guilt-trip on Jeff for being jealous of the war orphans.

Consciousness raised, Jeff vows to learn how to swallow his rage and become a productive member of society.

Back at the ghost town, the rustlers have Steve Trevor locked up.

Wonder Woman goes back to the ghost town, orphans in tow. Wonder Woman lets the orphans help capture the cattle rustlers, because apparently you’re never too young to learn how to take on the Mob.

From shot to shot there’s no wardrobe continuity at all in this episode – even less than usual. I get why Lynda Carter and/or her stunt woman wore boots without high heels sometimes, but it apparently never occurred to the camera operator or director to frame the shots so the boots aren’t visible or obvious. Sorry for the blurry screencaps, but I think you’ll get the idea:

At the end of the episode, Charlie gives Wonder Woman a beaded belt. Charlie isn’t a stereotypical magical native, and his (deceased) father was a character with responsibility and authority if he was J.P.’s foreman, so that’s pretty progressive for the 1970s, although the actor who plays Charlie is Latino, not Navajo. Alas, this bit of pandering at the end edges into White Savior territory: Wonder Woman teaches Charlie how to lasso so he can quit being ashamed of being a Navajo who doesn’t have rope skills.

This episode contains:
Abandoned Jail
Accessories
Bar Bending
Boulder Lifting
Cattle Rustlers
Celebrity Guest
Consciousness Raising
Ethnic Pride
Ethnic Shame
Ethnic Parade of Orphans
Feats of Strength
Ghost Town
Ghost Town Jail
Golden Lasso
Horses
Invisible Jet
Mansel in Distress
Mobsters
Orphans
Spinning

This episode does not contain:
Nazis!

For “Formula 407” (1.12), which aired on January 22, 1977, the team of director Herb Wallerstein and writer Elroy Schwartz pull out all the stops to Nazi Nazi Nazi Secret Formula Steve Trevor is an idiot.

I’m sorry, what? No, that’s not what I meant to say at all.

Let’s just get right to it, shall we? The sooner we get out of season 1, the sooner we’ll be done with all these Nazis. Also, the wardrobe gets way groovier.

Ft. Frazier Ordnance Testing Facility August, 1942

Over the last few episodes, we’ve spent several months in September and now it’s finally August?

Are you kidding me? How in the name of all that is good and decent in this world are we back to August?

Whatever.

Over a loudspeaker, we hear that the testing operation is about to begin. Major Steve Trevor (Lyle Waggoner), Yeoman Diana Prince (Lynda Carter), General Blankenship (Richard Eastman), Private Etta Candy (Beatrice Colen), and a bunch of Army Officer Dudes watch a bunch of Enlisted Army Dudes try to blow up an Army truck. It looks just like a regular army truck…because it is.

Things get pretty explodey, but that’s one plucky little truck! Its tires have been reinforced with Formula 407, a secret experimental formula which makes rubber as strong as steel.

Well that’s great. It explains why the landmines and bazooka shells don’t damage the tires, but it doesn’t explain why the rest of the truck, which is made out of regulation canvas and steel, is unscathed.

Oh, who cares why the rest of the truck is indestructible! What matters is that the test is a success! That puts our plot in motion!

The General tells Steve to go to Argentina to get the formula for Formula 407 from Professor Moreno, inventor of Formula 407.

Argentina is a neutral country but it’s chock full of German sympathizers. The General asks Diana to go with Steve, because she speaks Spanish, which will come in handy in Argentina which is a neutral country where they speak Spanish.

Argentina is a neutral country, don’t forget that. It’s on the quiz.

In case the awkward expository dialogue about Argentine neutrality didn’t penetrate the brains of viewers either too young or too stoned to retain information of geopolitical significance, a title appears on the screen, accompanied by some smooth latin 70s jazz: Buenos Aires, Argentina – A picturesque country that has remained neutral in this time of war.

Really:

The Home of Professor Moreno
Professor Moreno (ubiquitous character actor Nehemiah Persoff) works in his home lab with his beautiful assistant Maria (Marissa Pavan). They work on Formula 407. Who would ever think to look for world-famous Professor Moreno’s secret lab in his huge mansion he never leaves? It is, after all, a neutral country, so there probably aren’t any spies. Not any who know about Formula 407, anyway.

The Professor knows the Americans are the good guys. Formula 407. Maria gratuitously mentions Argentine neutrality. Formula 407.

SS Headquarters – Berlin, Germany
The Nazis scheme to steal Formula 407.

Yessireebob, you’re gonna be missing the days of the XPJ1 by the end of this episode.

The Following Morning in Washington, D.C.

Diana files things.

Etta wink-wink-nudge-nudges about all the sexy times Diana and Steve can have in Argentina, in addition to some awkward dialogue about “hot blooded gauchos” that we’re going to move right on past.

Steve Trevor and Diana land at Buenos Aries Airport

Why doesn’t Diana have a last name on this title card? Is it 1970s sexism? Are the writers acknowledging she’s the real hero? Are the title setters lazy? Does the writer actually get it that the core audience is 5 year old girls who know the score? I have questions. None are about Argentine neutrality or Formula 407. Only some of them are about the passage of time in the summer of 1942.

Right. Anyway.

The U.S. Ambassador meets Steve and Diana at the airport and tells them Argentina is allegedly a neutral country, but it’s full of people with all kinds of accents. (Really, that’s what they say).

Steve awkwardly mentions how they all have Swiss passports and work for sketchy Swiss Import Export companies. Steve and the Ambassador laugh knowingly. Nazis do the darndest things! #notallswisscounts

Incidentally, I skimmed some State Department documents and other historical resources to get an idea of what real-world August 1977 events this was about, because of course its not about fictional August 1942 at all, of course.

Much of U.S. policy toward Argentina from 1977 – 1980 grew out of President Carter’s new global emphasis on human rights. In addition, it was driven by a Congressionally-mandated halt on U.S. arms sales to Argentina, which was enacted in August 1977 and went into effect on October 1, 1978. U.S. officials grappled with internal disagreements over what tactics should be used to implement the human rights policy. The disagreements inside the Carter administration were not over whether or how to support the Argentine Government, but rather over how to influence its behavior.

Let’s not dive into Argentine-U.S. relations right now because we’ll forget that Major Steve Trevor and Yeoman Diana Prince are on the ground and ready for action in neutral Argentina. They all hop in a car and drive away.

A Few Miles Away Nazi Agents Wait…
Hans and his Nazi cohort hang out, bemoaning the American lack of punctuality.

The Nazis ambush the car, abducting Steve and the Ambassador while leaving Diana in the car. Good thing, too, because this allows Diana to run behind a tree, spin into Wonder Woman, attack the Nazis, and save the day.

Steve Trevor, in case you’ve forgotten, is a moron. He totally buys that Wonder Woman just happened to be in the neighborhood and dropped by to save his manly hide. Diana disappears, Wonder Woman shows up, there are unconscious Nazis scattered around, and all Steve can talk about is how he wants to take Wonder Woman to the movies.

The Ambassador invites Wonder Woman to dinner, but she tells him its her first visit to Buenos Aires so she’d like to see the sights. This is the exact same thing Diana said 10 minutes ago, but Steve is either too drunk to notice or maybe he has a head injury. I don’t know what the Ambassador’s excuse is.

Sunset – A Few Hours Later Diana, Steve, and the Ambassador arrive For Dinner at Professor Moreno’s House of Secret Science.

Time for a dinner party!

Professor Moreno and the Ambassador are patronizing dicks when Diana greets them in Spanish.

Professor Moreno introduces his daughter Lydia, who licks her lips at Man-candy Steve Trevor.

They also meet Maria and her fiancee, Senor Keller (John Devlin), a Swiss import-export broker. Remember 3 hours ago in storytime back in that scene at the airport when Steve made that pointed comment about Swiss Exporters in which they insinuated that they’re all Nazi spies? Good, I’m glad someone does, because Steve certainly doesn’t.

Steve doesn’t bat an eye at Senor Keller, Swiss Count and import-export agent.

Antonio, another dinner guest, tells Diana she’d be a most attractive lady if she’d just take “those terrible glasses off.”

Now Lydia is actually hanging on Steve, talking about Fate.

How much wine did these people drink during dinner?

Maria and Senor Keller giggle about sexually precocious Lydia’s experimentation.

Is this about to turn into a Ken Russell movie?

If anyone starts yelling about a white worm I’m out of here.

Senor Keller tells Maria that Steve Trevor is one of America’s great War Heroes.

“Him?” She asks, incredulous. Wait, no, she didn’t ask that, I did.

Outside, Senor Keller, who is actually Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, takes a walk and chats with his henchmen. He decides to take more than Formula 407 back to Berlin. He’s going to nap famous American War Hero Steve Trevor, too!

The henchmen are worried about Wonder Woman.

A Wonder Woman? How crazy! It’s not like the Nazis have spent 11 episodes assembling a clip file on her and viewing endless footage of her exploits against bullets and cars that need lifting, so you can understand why Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, is unconcerned.

Meanwhile, Antonio continues to pursue Diana and everyone says “Formula 407” a lot.

Lydia and Steve go for a walk so they can make out in the neutral Argentine moonlight, because she’s in no way too young for him or the daughter of Professor Moreno, who is their host.

Steve makes his move, but before the smooching kicks into high gear Nazis abduct them!

Diana must save them! She eludes Antonio, runs outside, and spins out of a horrible floor length baby blue gown and into Wonder Woman.

She’s immediately chloroformed. By Nazis.

The Following Morning Deep in the Cellars below Professor Moreno’s Home

Steve and Wonder Woman are tied up.

Up in the lab: Maria lies to the Professor, telling him that everyone left the party safely. Oh, and his underage daughter spent the night in the garden with Steve. The Professor is troubled that his underage daughter spent the night with Steve.

No time for that now, impressionable young viewers!

Down in the Cellar: Steve splains to Diana that the Nazis are after Formula 407. Then, they escape!

Up in the lab: Moreno learns that Senor Kellor is really Major Kellor, Nazi Swiss Count Spy. The Professor refuses to give Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, Formula 407.

Major Keller, Nazi Swiss Count Spy, tells the Professor he’ll behave, because the Nazis have Lydia!

Maria is aghast at the depths of Major Keller’s fiendish plan.

Keller wants the Professor to give the Americans Fake Formula 407.

A Deserted Shack by the Beach

Lydia is tied to a chair!

Back at the lab: Maria’s consciousness has been raised! She tells the Professor that she thought Karl was a good Nazi, but she’s been having doubts ever since she learned he kidnapped Lydia 30 seconds ago.

Meanwhile, Steve and Diana skulk around the Secret House of Science, escaping the basement and finding the Professor in his lab.

In the lab: Steve Trevor, America’s Most Questionable War Hero, is surprised to learn that Swiss Count Keller is actually Swiss Count/Nazi Spy Major Keller, even though he’s been joking about Swiss Counts being Nazis since he touched down on Argentine soil.

Wonder Woman sneaks away and finds Maria in the parlor.

Maria is suspicious of this weird woman who just showed up out of the blue who looks so familiar and seems to have intimate knowledge of the private dinner the previous night at which Maria met similarly-shaped American brunette Diana Prince.

Wonder Woman appeals to Maria’s womanhood. Who among us hasn’t committed youthful indiscretions for love, such as becoming a Nazi?

In the lab: Steve convinces Moreno to give Keller the Fake Formula 407.

Steve leaps out of hiding and attacks Keller, but Keller’s henchmen capture Steve’s dumb ass and take possession of the real Formula 407. Keller is a chemist, he’s not falling for the Fake Formula 407! What a twist! He knows a fake formula when he sees it! What?!?

Just don’t think about it.

Wonder Woman sees Major Keller shove Steve into a car.

Wonder Woman saves Maria from a henchmen with her bullet-deflecting bracelets. Then, she uses her Golden Lasso to capture and question the henchman.

Wonder Woman leaves, casually handing off the Lasso to Maria, who was a Nazi 5 minutes ago but is now reformed enough to be trusted with the magical Golden Lasso, guard a henchman, and look after the most valuable Scientist in the world!

The Nazis Arrive at the Beach for their Rendezvous

A U-boat emerges from the depths.

Wonder Woman races to their rescue. Slowly. Through sand, in high heeled boots, through an awkwardly framed shot.

She swings by the shack to rescue Lydia before she goes out to save Mansel in Distress Steve Trevor.

Here, Wonder Woman expresses her feelings about the phallic symbols of patriarchy after she rescues Lydia. Bonus: cool 1970s super-power sound effects.

Running in Sand! Bending gun barrels! Capturing Nazis! So! Much! Excitement!

For good measure, Steve wrestles Keller. Or maybe a henchman. I can’t remember.

Nazi frogmen emerge from the surf for whatever reason. They begin hurling explosives at Wonder Woman, because who doesn’t carry large fling-able bombs in their wetsuit?

Luckily, the frogmen throw the bombs one at a time so Wonder Woman can safely catch each one and throw it away.

The frogmen retreat into the surf.

Steve is wearing his Big Boy Trousers today – he actually manages to catch Heller himself! Wonder Woman is so darn proud it looks like her dimples ache from smiling.

It’s pretty awkward.

Washington D.C. Several Days Later

Steve gets pissy when Diana tells Etta about Lydia. Steve takes Etta’s coffee away from her in retaliation. Steve is a monster!

Wait. Did Diana send Etta a postcard with classified information on the back?

Steve wonders how Wonder Woman always knows when he’s in trouble. Diana suggests “it could be women’s intuition” because, like quicksand, polyester, and the Bermuda Triangle, that’s a very 70s pop culture explanation.

Diana grins at Steve like a gooney bird; the frame freezes; we cut to the end credits.

Husband: If they have the Formula 407 truck tires, don’t they already have access to the formula? Why does the General need Moreno at all?

Apropos of nothing, here’s a Formula 409 commercial from 1977:

This episode contains:

Argentina
Bullets and Bracelets
Chloroform
Consciousness Raising
Dinner Party
Explosions
Eveningwear
Filing
Golden Lasso
Gun Bending
Innuendo
Mansel in Distress
Nazis
Neutrality
Science
Secret Formulas
Spies
Spinning
Uglifying Eyeglasses
Underage girls
Wine

Welcome back to the second part of “Judgment from Outer Space,” in which Wonder Woman must rescue an alien ambassador…from the Nazis.

We cannot get to the 2nd season and that sweet, sweet time-jump to the 1970s soon enough.

After the title sequence, Lynda Carter introduces us to the “previously on” montage, which goes on for an awfully long time and bolsters our opinion that this didn’t need to be a 2-parter. I’m not going to summarize it, mostly because you can just read the previous post and also because we were pretty busy mocking the Council’s space-attire and I didn’t take any notes.

We open with Wonder Woman in the space-ship, which she mimic-whistled her way into at the end of the last episode.

There are invisible force-field barriers in this episode. Invisible force-field barriers attract mime action like nobody’s business.

In the spaceship, Wonder Woman pretends to use her strength against an invisible barrier but fails to break through. I’m not sure whose failure we’re watching. The actor? Or the director? I think it’s a group effort. Either way it’s pretty bad. You feel embarrassed for the actor – that sort of empathy-embarrassment like when you laugh at a weird thing your pet who hasn’t been the same since he was hit by lightning does.

In Outer Space, taupe has conquered the Universe.

The War Department Washington D.C. Two Weeks After the Abduction of Andros.
General Blankenship is on the phone with President Roosevelt. After he hangs up, he informs Steve Trevor, America’s worst spy, that the British think Andros might be a prisoner at Schloss-Markham, the Secret Nazi Interrogation Center in Germany.

Schloss Markheim Interrogation Center in Germany.
Andros is indeed there.

Is is still September 1942? Is it always September 1942?

If David Lynch made a show where many months of story-time elapses but it’s always September 1942, he’d be hailed as a genius. On a related note: is there anything more boring than Showtime’s return to Twin Peaks?

No. No there is not.

It’s good to see we’re all in agreement.

Let’s move on.

London – British Intelligence.
Steve meets Evan Mallory, the Welsh secret agent who will smuggle Steve into Schloss Markheim.

Steve and the head of British intelligence engage in some pointedly anti-Welsh dialogue in front of Mallory, while Mallory stands there looking aggrieved. The British guy calls the Welsh “madmen” and suggests that’s why Mallory passes so well for a Nazi when he’s undercover. Really. And now they’re going to expect this man to keep Steve alive in Nazi territory?

On a related note: How is Steve Trevor still alive? Seriously. How did he survive long enough to even become Wonder Woman’s mansel in the first place?

Meanwhile, Back in Washington D.C..
Etta invites Diana on a beach weekend, but Diana tells her she’s going hunting. Hunting? Etta is properly perplexed. Diana assures her she’s not going hunting to hunt anything, but rather to find something. I guess technically that’s hunting, but maybe she should say she’s going “looking.”

Wonder Woman flies to Germany in her Invisible Jet. We love the inflight Brazilian jazz Wonder Woman relaxes to as she jets around the world.

Steve and Mallory parachute into Germany.

In the Schloss Markheim Laboratory, Bjornson sends Lisa the pretty fräulein to seduce him and learn all of his alien science secrets.

After Andros conducts an emergency therapy session/intervention Lisa runs away to question all of her life choices.

The leader of the Council contacts Andros, but Andros refuses to leave.

Wonder Woman breaks down the door to rescue Andros, but he refuses to leave with her.

The Nazis capture Wonder Woman. Again.

Bjornson the Nazi thinks the whole spaceman gimmick is a cover and Andros is just an American atomic scientist. He confiscates Wonder Woman’s power belt, which he believes Andros created using “scientific processing” to give her superpowers.

Andros is feisty, but his critique lack proportionality. Wonder Woman is skeptical when he equates American internment camps with Nazi concentration camps.

Steve and Mallory Arrive at Schloss Markheim
Steve’s cover is blown immediately because he’s Steve.

Bjornson the Nazi marches Steve, Wonder Woman and Andros 100 meters below the mountain for a little light torture.

Well, they don’t actually torture Wonder Woman or Andros, but there’s a lot of monologuing that’s a bit tortuous for the viewer.

Oh my gods and goddesses, this episode is a cavalcade of bad accents. Hollywood German. Hollywood Swedish. Hollywood Welsh. Hollywood British.

It would be more hilarious if it wasn’t dragging out across 2 episodes.

At least Andros finally realizes that Nazis are really bad guys.

The Council randomly calls in for a few minutes. It doesn’t make sense because Andros may or may not be the only one who sees them or maybe they freeze everyone but Andros or I don’t really know, but it distracts the Nazis long enough for Wonder Woman to grab her gear.

Wonder Woman and Andros make a run for it.

By “run for it” I mean “hide in a storage room and make googly eyes at one another.” Wonder Woman places her hand on his chest and he clasps her hand. It’s a surprisingly risque close-up for this show.

Steve and Mallory lead the Nazis on a wacky chase scene, eventually re-uniting with Wonder Woman and Andros after they finish doing whatever they were doing in the broom closet.

Wonder Woman knocks the Nazis down.

Lisa, newly liberated maybe-ex-Nazi fräulein, tells Andros she’s going to help him escape. She actually says “I don’t care what happens to the rest of you,” which I found to be a refreshing bit of honesty.

Andros, Steve, Wonder Woman and Mallory are cornered, so Andros calls the Council and pleads his case. Wonder Woman is the hope of the human race! And maybe the world!

The Council gives Andros his power back and everyone escapes.

I have no idea what happens to Lisa.

Several Days Later
Andros makes a weird and confusing speech about how humankind is flawed, destructive and plagued with “the disease of racial childhood.”

What does that mean?

Andros assured the Council that Wonder Woman will be a positive influence so they gave Earth a 50 year reprieve.

But then Andros invites her to leave Earth and travel with him in a series of adventures through time and space in a pitch that in no way resembles Doctor Who.

Not to put too fine a point on this, but: wouldn’t that violate the deal he just made with the Council which hinges on her hanging around Earth and being all peace-making?

Andros threatens her with some light stalking and informs Wonder Woman he’ll be back in 1992 to renew his Doctor Who offer. The character of Andros does in fact show back up in the 1970s and he’s played by another actor, so we’ll save the rest of the Doctor Who jokes for later.

Andros flies away.

Hey! It’s stock footage cherry blossom season in D.C.

Cherry blossom season is actually in March/April.

Apparently, during World War II it was always both September and cherry blossom season in Washington, D.C.

Back at the War Department.
Steve is jealous because he saw the way Andros looked at Wonder Woman, but Diana assures him that Wonder Woman would much rather be in D.C. with Steve, because Wonder Woman prefers her men young and stupid.

This episode contains:
Aliens
Belt (Amazon)
Bongo Drumming
Consciousness Raising
Fräulein Liberation
Invisible Jet
Mad Science
Mansels
Mime
Nazis
Underground Lairs
Whistle Mimicry