But there’s a rather detailed website relating to ([tag]Tom Baker[/tag]‘s) [tag]Doctor Who Scarf[/tag].
Category Archives: crafty
*everybody sing* Martha loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so
Husband tells me this isn’t in the Bible. I tell Husband he clearly has the wrong translation. If he doesn’t want to sing along, well, that’s just his problem.
Martha loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Excellent recipes to her belong
We are weak, but she is strong.
Yes, Martha loves me.
Yes, Martha loves me.
I do have a small problem, though. It’s hasn’t been as easy as just accepting Martha in my heart as The One True Savior Who Shall Lead Us Out of Darkness Along the Path of Righteousness. I need to acquire something. Specifically, a baby. I need a baby. By tomorrow. You see, tomorrow they’re re-running the episode where one of Martha’s guests is this fantastically insane woman Isabelle Ortley, who makes costumes for babies. Turkey costumes. And lobsters costumes. Even an apple pie costume.
Image: Isabelle Ortley’s turkey-baby costume, as seen in MakeZine.
These aren’t your standard onesie zip-up type baby costumes that your little pooper rolls around the floor in while everyone oohs and ahhs and snaps photos. These bad boys are on platters. With garnishes. You can put them in the middle of your dining room table as a centerpiece, we’re told!
Really.
Video: Martha Stewart Show – Adorable Infant Food Costumes, Part 1.
Is this a great country or what?
Seriously. Here’s the Baby as Roast Turkey pattern so you can make your own at home. Oh, awesome, here’s the website with pictures of all of the other costumes, too. [2011 update: dead links]
Maybe instead of finding a baby and making a costume, I’ll just tivo the episode instead and periodically marvel at it’s nuttiness. That’s a whole lot easier.
What led me out of the wilderness and enabled me to find The One True Religion? One word: contrariness. There’s no sport in hating Martha, so you might as well get a bottle of Old Crow and learn to love her.
I was going to say more but I got distracted reading this EW.com interview with Joss Whedon about the upcoming Buffy season 8 comic books and totally lost my train of thought.
Update: Here’s a youtube clip of the Martha episode in question, in case the other link doesn’t work for you:
Here’s a 2011 post at MakeZine about Isabelle Ortley’s baby costuming: Baby Food: The Halloween Genius. I’ve posted the photo from the article, which appears to be one of the original publicity shots Ortley was using in 2006, in case these links also disappear in the future.
make the bad lady stop
Are we, as a nation, so fucking stupid and helpless that we can no longer even choose our own damn music? “Compiled under the supervision of Martha Stewart.” Supervise this, baby.
my apologies to mapquest
Mapquest, by trying to send me someplace not anywhere near where I thought I wanted to go, was actually trying to save me from myself.
I thought I wanted to go to Michaels Arts and Crap. I wanted to hang a wreath from each of my windows. That’s a lot of wreaths. “They’re high-up,” I figured. “I’ll get fakes. No one will know.”
I went through the Post ads and found one for Michaels. Michaels used to be an ok place. No store addresses on the flyer, so I went to their website as instructed. The store locator on their site didn’t work.
I knew that one of these places is somewhere on Route One. I failed to retrieve a map on Mapquest, so I called
information and then called the store. (It’s not in the phonebook, of course. Another sign to stay home missed).
I got directions, got in the car, and ended up at a Ford dealership. This happens all the time, since apparently
someone at Michael’s doesn’t want people finding them.
I escaped the Ford dealership without a new Mustang and found the proper shopping center.
Satan smiled fondly on this particular plaza de commerce. It only contained two establishments: Michaels and Chucky Cheese. I skirted the scary pizza place and entered the very bowels of hell. I do not know what I was thinking. I was so horrified by the shiney, ugly, plastinated nightmare that is what Michael’s has become that I ended up taking refuge in the yarn.
After vowing not only to not hang wreaths, but to not decorate for this or any holiday ever again, I started
to calm down. This is when things should have been getting better, but instead took a turn for the worse.
It was at this point that I decided knitting an afghan was a good idea. I picked a pattern. I picked the yarn.
I can do this. I made my mom an afghan once. A very elaborate one with a celtic knot design.
In the cashier’s line, I remembered that my mother keeps that afghan in her car now. For car trips. “In case she
throws up.” Maybe this was not a good idea after all, maybe Mapquest was trying to tell me something.