I’m ridiculously organized. Martha Stewart doesn’t scare me. Sometimes I fear this could lead me to do bad things – like crime or drugs or scrapbooking.

Husband, on the other hand, has never met a piece of paper he didn’t love. He’s by no means a horder, but let’s put it this way: Remember way back in high school when you took the SAT and the registration form had that section that you were supposed to keep? It said, “Retain this form for your records.” Guess who still has that form in his records?

Yeah.

Despite me extreme tidiness, we do somehow have pockets of clutter that accumulate and every once in a while I sort through them and file or shred or otherwise dispose of things we no longer need. I was on hold today for an interminable amount of time, which did have the minor benefit of giving me time to sort through one of these clutter-pockets. It’s at these times that I discover things like commendation letters that my extremely modest Husband forgets to tell me about. My current favorite is one I just found from then-Vice President Al Gore that basically says, “Hey Eric – thanks for being you.”

If I had more than 30 free seconds today I’d tell you about the “Darth Vader baby pictures” incident.

I hit Martha’s site to link to the segment where Keith Olbermann makes triple chocolate pumpkin pie with Martha, but I immediately got derailed by this:

“Snoop Dogg and I Make Mom’s Mash-Potatoes”

I have to say that my life is very interesting and also kind of weird. I’m so fortunate in that I get to meet fascinating people. One day I’m presenting Maya Angelou with a Living Legend award and then I fly off to Miami and attend a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. And then yesterday, the multi-platinum rap artist, Snoop Dogg, appeared on my television show and taught me some of his very own language called Snoop-guistics. He and his posse add ‘izzles’ onto the ends of words. It’s kind of a code, or a way of communicating so that others won’t know what they’re talking about. Example: fo shizzle is how they say, for sure.

Snoop Dogg also shared –

Crack-a-lackin – means get something poppin
Chuuuch – means take God everywhere you go and everything will be all right
All hood – means good
Ball til ya fall – get as much money as you can before you die

Snoop Dogg is about to start the second season of his reality TV show, Father Hood on November 30th and he also wanted to share his Five Tips for Fatherhood.
1 – Know when to lie to your kids
2 – Know when to be mean and know when to be a friend
3 – Always stay in control
4 – Serve them juice but hold the gin
5 – When the kids give you attitude, pop ‘em like it’s hot

Bottom line – Keep your children respectful of their elders.

You have to watch the videos. Fantastic.

The whole segment went on for quite a while, there are a number of other videos embedded on Martha’s blog, including the actual cooking segment.

(sorry for all of the revisions, the typos in this post were legion)

I must blog about a recent Martha Stewart Show episode. It wasn’t just any episode, it was The Blogging Show, wherein she had guest bloggers blogging on their blogs throughout the show while the whole studio audience of bloggers blogged along on their laptops and Martha said the words blog, blogging and bloggers so many times that my giggles started to edge around on the borderlands of hysteria.

Actual Martha pronouncement at the top of the show, as she surveyed the studio audience: “What an array of laptops you all have!” It was delivered in her precise way, “What. An array. Of laptops. Youallhave.”

Oh, Martha, bless your soul. Prison may have mellowed you out, but it could never take away your clipped and awkward phrasing.

Martha had her two blog managers, her sister Laura and Elliot Laskin, in the audience. They were a’ bloggin’. She also had special guest bloggers strewn around the set, including Perez Hilton, to whom Martha demonstrated that she can pronounce Cuba properly.

Oh, Martha.

Martha and Perez told us how to become rich and famous with our blogs. Martha explained that “blog” comes from the words “web” and “log.” Martha gave the studio audience books that have been published from blogs, to taunt them as they toil in semi-obscurity, bloggity-blog-blogging their lives away.

Ben Smith and Jonathan Martin (Politico), Margaret Roach (A way to garden, Matt Armendariz (Matt Bites, and Deb Perelman (Smitten Kitchen also got down with their bad blog selves in little segments with Martha.

To be fair, Martha stated outright when she introduced Meg Frost (Cute Overload) that it was Meg’s site that drew huge traffic to Martha’s site and not the other way around. Then Martha baked Meg into a pie and fed her to the studio audience of hungry bloggers.

That last part but may not have really happened, my mind started to wander.

What I learned is this: blogging is now officially over. You may now go on about your day.

On a sidenote: Martha encouraged everyone to buy a Canon G9 to carry around with them all the time. I bought one at the beginning of the year and I really have a love/hate relationship with this camera. It’s an excellent camera, but I’m not sure I’d recommend that anyone buy one at this point unless you really want RAW files and manual controls, but still want a camera that’s a point and shoot and not an actual DSLR. It’s heavy and it’s very slow. The Powershot SD990 will be out soon and, if it’s anything like the previous powershots I’ve owned, it will blow the G9 out of the water in terms of speed and size. Don’t get me wrong, I like my camera, but for candid snaps? Not the best.

Husband tells me this isn’t in the Bible. I tell Husband he clearly has the wrong translation. If he doesn’t want to sing along, well, that’s just his problem.

Martha loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Excellent recipes to her belong
We are weak, but she is strong.
Yes, Martha loves me.
Yes, Martha loves me.

I do have a small problem, though. It’s hasn’t been as easy as just accepting Martha in my heart as The One True Savior Who Shall Lead Us Out of Darkness Along the Path of Righteousness. I need to acquire something. Specifically, a baby. I need a baby. By tomorrow. You see, tomorrow they’re re-running the episode where one of Martha’s guests is this fantastically insane woman Isabelle Ortley, who makes costumes for babies. Turkey costumes. And lobsters costumes. Even an apple pie costume.

Image: Isabelle Ortley's turkey-baby costume, as seen in MakeZine.

Image: Isabelle Ortley’s turkey-baby costume, as seen in MakeZine.

These aren’t your standard onesie zip-up type baby costumes that your little pooper rolls around the floor in while everyone oohs and ahhs and snaps photos. These bad boys are on platters. With garnishes. You can put them in the middle of your dining room table as a centerpiece, we’re told!

Really.

Video: Martha Stewart Show – Adorable Infant Food Costumes, Part 1.

Is this a great country or what?

Seriously. Here’s the Baby as Roast Turkey pattern so you can make your own at home. Oh, awesome, here’s the website with pictures of all of the other costumes, too. [2011 update: dead links]

Maybe instead of finding a baby and making a costume, I’ll just tivo the episode instead and periodically marvel at it’s nuttiness. That’s a whole lot easier.

What led me out of the wilderness and enabled me to find The One True Religion? One word: contrariness. There’s no sport in hating Martha, so you might as well get a bottle of Old Crow and learn to love her.

I was going to say more but I got distracted reading this EW.com interview with Joss Whedon about the upcoming Buffy season 8 comic books and totally lost my train of thought.

Update: Here’s a youtube clip of the Martha episode in question, in case the other link doesn’t work for you:

Here’s a 2011 post at MakeZine about Isabelle Ortley’s baby costuming: Baby Food: The Halloween Genius. I’ve posted the photo from the article, which appears to be one of the original publicity shots Ortley was using in 2006, in case these links also disappear in the future.