I watched FOX news again tonight. It’s because they re-assure me that everything is ooookay. Usually they do stories that assure me we’re morally, politically, and militarily superior to the world, and god bless america, the sun never sets on the American Empire.

Sometimes, however, they do stories that open my eyes to the sad state of the world. For instance, tonight I learned that kids can learn about drugs on the internet. I presume that before the internet, no one did drugs. At the end of the story they told us that the best information about drugs was available from the DEA. Then they directed us to dea.gov. Now, I don’t know that this is the best drug information there is, but the DEA museum has certainly the best drug-enforcement related gift shop I’ve ever seen. It’s also the only drug-enforcement themed museum I’ve ever seen. Unless you count the museum in Florida with the guilletines and electric chairs, but that’s not really the same.

What do you think my sister-in-law would do to us if we got our niece a DEA teddy bear?

Some of the items, however, are a little strange:

Golf Divit Repair Tool
Perfect for carrying in a golf bag or pocket. High quality die cast tool featuring black imprint of the DEA badge and letting. $3.00 each

Doesn’t that seem oddly specialized?

Before I discovered the wonders of shopping local, I used to cast my net farther-afield. Last year’s haul came from Skeleton’s in the Closet.The L.A. County Coroner’s Office Gift Shop. (motto: “Part of you thinks it’s in poor taste, part of you wants an XL.” Great service, great gifts, supporting a great cause.

There are so many wonderful places where you can fulfill your holiday gift-giving needs. In the spirit of the season, I’m sharing my favorites with you. If you’re on my list (the gift-giving list, not the shit-list) and you’ve been reading this, please act surprised when you open your present(s).

As you’ve probably noticed, I’m not a big fan of mass-market, no personality crap. Not to sound like Martha Stewart, but I’ve found that there are so many wonderful small businesses, independent artisans, and out of the way places that are just chock full of delightful goodies. High on my list this year is the National Capital Poison Center. T-shirts. Magnets. Stickers. All bearing the festive (and educational) face of Mister Yuck. What could be better?

As your guide to good taste, I’ve decided to begin to compile a holiday gift guide. If you have a lot of cash to blow, I suggest starting with handmade Christmas ornaments from wolfsnare. The note on their site reads “I’ve always had the greatest repsect for the tradition of Christmas, and I’m confident that these treasures will not reflect that sentiment in the least.” Can’t beat that kind of goodwill, not even with a stick. wolfsnare’s Santa.