Hellbound

Last night I was listlessly watching the channel channel, the usual endless parade of crappy offerings scrolling round and round. Suddenly, a movie description yanked me out of my stupor. Something along the lines of “Chuck Norris as a Chicago cop trying to keep the evil sceptor out of the hands of the devil.” I underestimated what I was about to view, that’s for certain.

Hellbound turned out to be even better than it sounded.

For starters, it’s a circa 1993 Miami Vice rip off. Chuck Norris is Kung-fu Grip Chicago Cop Frank Shatter. His partner is the quintessential neatly dreadlocked, effeminate and non-threatening, endlessly wise-cracking Black man played by an “actor” named Calvin Levels. The IMDB links to a Calvin Levels who is most assuredly not the Calvin Levels in this movie, because that Calvin Levels is an older white actor while the Calvin Levels in Hellbound is none of those things.

Levels gets a lot of weird lines that are either cloying and ineffectual in-jokes about his character’s sexuality or just painfully bad writing, such as when he tells Norris that the reason he told him to turn left because “he was tired of (Norris) going straight all the time.”

So anyway, Shatter (Norris) and Jackson (Levels) are partners and for some reason they have to accompany the body of a murdered rabbi back to Jerusalem and answer some questions for the Israeli police. The biggest question, why a demon needed to go to Chicago in person to kill this rabbi, is never answered. Apparently, despite having loyal satanic minions, this particular demon is a bit of a control freak.

So Shatter and Jackson go off to Jerusalem, Jackson protesting all the way because, as a Black man, it’s cruel to make him miss the basketball playoffs. It’s necessary for Jackson to go because otherwise there’s no one to play the comic foil to the lovable pickpocket scamp they of course take under their wing. (And then forget about in the middle of a car chase – presumably the kid spends 45 minutes of the movie laying on the floor in the backseat of their car???)

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Jackson and Shatter go to Israel. Jackson is allowed to cart a priceless gold sceptor-top in his jacket pocket, despite the fact that it is the murder weapon. And a priceless and mysterious artifact. And the murder weapon. Did I mention that?

Now, of course, before they head off to Israel for much wackiness, they show the sceptor-top to a beautiful archeologist at The University, for reasons that are too stupid to bother to explain, but which do explain to us that it’s a priceless and mysterious artifact. She tells them that the sceptor belonged on the staff of a demon, but some monk broke the staff into 9 parts and buried it in 9 different holy places so that it could never be put back together – although the monk left a map that shows where each piece is located of course.

She knows this because her boss, who is played by the guy who does the voice of the baby on The Family Guy just happens to specialize in this particular myth but he can’t talk to them because he’s on a dig in…Jerusalem.

You’ll never guess where that’s going.

So Shatter and Jackson go to Jerusalem, which is portrayed basically as Baghdad circa 1932 so that we can have much Indiana Jones type wackiness while the producers take advantage of the non-union ultra cheap labor, er, I mean, the authentic locations.

We learn that “flea market” is Israeli for “swap meet.” Really. But that’s not my favorite part of the movie. My favorite part is when Shatter and Jackson wait for the Jerusalem police department to close for the night, break in, disarm the police station’s night security guard and…

They wait for the police station to close. For the night. They break in to the police station, which is closed, for the night. The police station has a security guard.

Excuse me, I have to put my head down for a moment.

You know, what happens in this movie isn’t really important. What is important is that this film take it’s place at the right hand of the Exorcist II in the temple of Bad, Bad Movies. Although Hellbound lacks a drunk Richard Burton, James Earl Jones barfing up a leopard, or a gratuitous Linda Blair tap-dancing sequence, it is, nevertheless, a thing of great Badness.

This fine, fine film, incidentally, was directed by stuntman Aaron Norris, brother of Chuck Norris. What a wacky coincidence!

McDonald’s Line Dance

I don’t even know why this was buried in my subconscious, but yesterday I was with some friends and the memory of a failed McDonald’s campaign popped into my head. Remember the whole Arch Deluxe/McLean fiasco? This was where they tried to rebrand Ronald as a cool grownup and ended up portraying him like a creepy uncle you wouldn’t want to leave the kids with. That’s not the troubling memory that popped into my head, though.

No, I was remembering that they also tried to engineer a dance craze. I really hoped it was my imagination playing tricks on me. At first, anyway. Then it occurred to me that this was a bizarre thing to imagine. You can imagine my combined relief and dismay when I discovered it was real.

According to a September 26, 1996 press release:

New McDonald’s Product Roll-Out

McDonald’s is rolling out 3 new products on Sept 26 at noon Pacific time, 9am EST. It is not clear how extensive this hoopla is, but it appears to be another nationwide event, at least in major cities, with a live satellite feed from Chicago headquarters being sent to the local sites. To find out if there is an event in your area, call a local McD. The local paper paper may have gotten a press release about it if they remember it. What follows is a surreal promotional letter that was sent to newspapers in the San Diego USA area by a regional McD office.

From:
McDonald’s Corporation
4370 La Jolla Village Dr SW 800
San Diego CA 92122
619-535-8900
Dear (Newspaper editor):

On Sept 26, McDonald’s will make an important announcement that just may have adults across America singing and dancing and we would like you to be among the first to know why.

What, you ask, could McDonald’s say that will make you sing and dance? The answer is the nationwide simultaneous launch of 3 new “Deluxe” sandwiches – all of which, along with the recently introduced Arch Deluxe – comprise McDonald’s new Deluxe Menu.

Imagine larger, tastier, deluxe versions of McDonald’s flagship products – the McChicken, Grilled Chicken, and Fillet-o-Fish sandwiches.

Not singing and dancing yet? You will. Be the first to see the hot, new dance craze soon to hit the streets, clubs and parties of America – the Deluxe Line Dance.

It’s not the Macarena or the Electric Slide. It’s McDonald’s own contemporary fandango, created by world renowned coreographer Debbie Allen (from the movie Fame), to get people grooving to the new Deluxe line Menu at McDonald’s.

The Deluxe Line Dance will be performed by a chorus of San Diego Charger Girls, Mesa College Dancers, and of course Ronald McDonald to a new “living” jingle as memorable as the famed “Two all beef patties, special…” I bet you can finish the rest (Don’t look now but you’re probably singing)

Please accept our invitation.

* Be our guest for an elegant, gourmet mcDonald’s lunch that you’ll have to dee and taste to believe.
* Be the first to see The Deluxe Line Dance and hear mcDonald’s new jingle.
* Watch the stellite feed of McDonald’s national launch event in Chicago including a performance by the Village People on the IU-Jumbotron screen.
* Talk with McDonald’s owner/operators about McDonald’s continued commitment to adult taste preferences and serving delicious, quality food.
The event will take place Thursday Sept 26 from noon to 1:15pm at the Incredible Universe located at 98 Stonecrest Blbd at I-15 and Aero Drive San Diego, Please RSVP to Laura Janikas at 296-0605 by 5 pm Thursday Sept 20

.

Miguel Mendez’s Dance Academy of Salsa notes that n September, 1996, Miguel was contracted by McDonald’s Hispanic advertising and promotional agency to learn, teach, and perform, the McDonald’s Arch Deluxe line dance, to promote the new line of McDonalds Deluxe sandwiches.

Dear Dr. Noodles

Hope all is well with you. I presume the annual LSD binge is going well, as I have not yet been contacted by any local, state or federal law enforcement agents.

I continue to hold down the fort. It hasn’t been easy. Yesterday, Co-worker Who is Not My Boyfriend appeared in the office to tell me that he, Husband and Brother-in-law were going to make their own sausage this summer. This does not seem like a good idea to me, particularly after viewing the source of their inspiration: sausagemania.com. Now I’m just afraid.

There were a bunch of memos in our mailbox. They made nice scrap-paper.

We got a nice package from the Scientologists. It’s another oversized coffeetable book of picture of L. Ron Hubbard. It would be a thing of great wonder, if they hadn’t already sent us 7 copies.

Yesterday, I rode the metro with Captain Howdy, who was off to an Adult Dodgeball League game on the Mall. The guy driving the train was insane. He kept making announcements about not blocking the doors. Not your standard “stand clear of the doors” announcements, either – these were full of anger and went on well after the door shut at each stop.

By the time we got to Metro Center the driver’s psychosis was in full-bloom, and he proceeded to rant non-stop all the way from Metro Center to Gallery Place. He really had it out for one particular passenger, but he threatened to dump us all out of the train just for good measure.

I think pretty much everyone got off the train at Gallery Place.

Your parole officer called to make sure this wasn’t you.

A masked and caped do-gooder has been sweeping through an English town, performing good deeds and scattering terrified bad guys, a local newspaper reported.

The Kent and Sussex Courier said Friday it had received letters from “stunned residents” of the town of Tunbridge Wells, southeast of London, who saw the man in a brown mask and cape scare off hooligans and return a woman’s dropped purse.

“To my great surprise,” the paper quoted 21-year-old psychology student Ellen Neville as saying, “a masked man wearing a brown cape rushed past me to assist a woman who was having a bother with a group of youths.

“He swept in, broke up the commotion and ran off, leaving myself and the woman in a state of shock,” she said.

A man wrote to say he was being chased by some youths when the hero appeared and “shocked the gang so much they ran off.”

Another woman wrote to say the crusader had tapped her on her shoulder to return her purse.

“If only there were more people around with this kind-hearted spirit,” she said.
I said I didn’t think so, since spandex gives you a rash.

The office is a lonely place without you, but I shall endeavor to stay sane. As soon as I get there. Which should be soon. Pretty soon. Fairly soon. Sometime this morning.

your humble minion,
skarlet