Dear Dr. Noodles

May 7, 2003

Hope all is well with you. I presume the annual LSD binge is going well, as I have not yet been contacted by any local, state or federal law enforcement agents.

I continue to hold down the fort. It hasn’t been easy. Yesterday, Co-worker Who is Not My Boyfriend appeared in the office to tell me that he, Husband and Brother-in-law were going to make their own sausage this summer. This does not seem like a good idea to me, particularly after viewing the source of their inspiration: sausagemania.com. Now I’m just afraid.

There were a bunch of memos in our mailbox. They made nice scrap-paper.

We got a nice package from the Scientologists. It’s another oversized coffeetable book of picture of L. Ron Hubbard. It would be a thing of great wonder, if they hadn’t already sent us 7 copies.

Yesterday, I rode the metro with Captain Howdy, who was off to an Adult Dodgeball League game on the Mall. The guy driving the train was insane. He kept making announcements about not blocking the doors. Not your standard “stand clear of the doors” announcements, either – these were full of anger and went on well after the door shut at each stop.

By the time we got to Metro Center the driver’s psychosis was in full-bloom, and he proceeded to rant non-stop all the way from Metro Center to Gallery Place. He really had it out for one particular passenger, but he threatened to dump us all out of the train just for good measure.

I think pretty much everyone got off the train at Gallery Place.

Your parole officer called to make sure this wasn’t you.

A masked and caped do-gooder has been sweeping through an English town, performing good deeds and scattering terrified bad guys, a local newspaper reported.

The Kent and Sussex Courier said Friday it had received letters from “stunned residents” of the town of Tunbridge Wells, southeast of London, who saw the man in a brown mask and cape scare off hooligans and return a woman’s dropped purse.

“To my great surprise,” the paper quoted 21-year-old psychology student Ellen Neville as saying, “a masked man wearing a brown cape rushed past me to assist a woman who was having a bother with a group of youths.

“He swept in, broke up the commotion and ran off, leaving myself and the woman in a state of shock,” she said.

A man wrote to say he was being chased by some youths when the hero appeared and “shocked the gang so much they ran off.”

Another woman wrote to say the crusader had tapped her on her shoulder to return her purse.

“If only there were more people around with this kind-hearted spirit,” she said.
I said I didn’t think so, since spandex gives you a rash.

The office is a lonely place without you, but I shall endeavor to stay sane. As soon as I get there. Which should be soon. Pretty soon. Fairly soon. Sometime this morning.

your humble minion,
skarlet

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