Category Archives: jesus files, the

Jesus Loves You

Last year I posted a link to these creepy Jesus Statues. Then a coworker and I got the bright idea to buy one as a “gift” for a friend. Can I just give a piece of advice anyone who’s linked to these things lately: If you are actually tempted to buy any thing from this company be sure to use a work address like we did. Or the address of someone you don’t like. They will sell your name from here to Guam and the junkmail you get will be sublime, yet endlessly creepy.

Jesus and Porn, Together Again

Why were they playing Christian radio at the local video store last night? The hosts of the show were railing against the evils of Hollywood and preaching about “garbage in/garbage out.” You’ll go to hell if you watch a movie; even a Disney movie will rot your soul. This is probably true. Everything I learned about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll, I learned from “Lady and the Tramp.”

No I didn’t.

Nevermind.

I’m pretty sure this store makes most of it’s money off the videos in the “back room,” so I can’t figure out why this station was on in the first place, because I’m the only one there who seemed to think it was funny.

Theology 101

From what I could derive from my mail this morning, it’s okay to crucify Barbie, but not for Ponch and John to have a homosexual affair.

Here’s the thing folks: I never said Ponch and John were a couple. You saw that all on your own, so what does that say about you?

Yet I’m the one with the dirty mind and the one-way ticket to hell?

Hmmm.

Nevertheless, you’ve given me an idea for my next insomnia fueled short film. Ponch discovers that his Life Partner John has an evil twin. (There’s something to be said for buying in bulk at Toys R Us). Or maybe Ponch and John go to the Planet of the Apes, where Cornelius is conducting a secret cloning experiment, except all the new John’s fall in love with the old one and eventually John2 and John3 have a fight to the death and while they’re distracted Ponch and John escape and…