Author Archives: meanlouise

dc blogger happy hour at atomic

Incidentally, I’m not the worst pool player in the world…I’m actually the worst pool player in the universe. Just ask Jenn. Maybe after some more practice I’ll be less of a danger to myself and others. Maybe after 20 or 30 more years of practice.

Here’s a valuable lesson Jenn and I learned: if you want any chance of winning it may be best not to play someone who casually mentions just as he’s about to break, and I quote, “we had a pooltable in my dorm at boarding school.” Things do not turn out pretty from there. Fun? Yes. Pretty? No.

Ponch and John on the Planet of the Apes

If we don’t go to the movies tonight, maybe I’ll get out my pixelvision camera and make my own movie. We bought a lot of Chips action figures from a clearance bin so we can create a world of Ponch and John clones.

I think the Ponch and John might be fixing Georgetown University Barbie up on a blind date with the Charleton Heston/Planet of the Apes doll. Later, maybe the Cornelius and the Ozzie Osborn dolls can crucify her!

[there were two versions of this post in the archives. I think the one I’d previously restored was a draft, so I’m replacing it with this one].

spicy suction cups

My coworker gave me today’s goal: work the phrase “spicy suction cups” into as many conversations today as possible, as naturally as possible. Didn’t work. I had a perfect opportunity, but when I opened my mouth I found myself speaking only in Blondie lyrics. Then I couldn’t stop doing it. Clearly, it’s Monday.

Incidentally, I continue to believe that “Rapture” is one of the dumbest songs of all time.

Fade away and radiate, y’all.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

People like to tell me their problems, and that’s okay. However, I’ve come to the realization that people (women, specifically) also like to tell me about their undergarments.

About a half an hour ago I was in the ladies room, trying to get the automatic sink to let me wash my hands. The woman standing next to me – who I have never ever seen in my entire life – turned to me and stage-whispered “My panties have been inside out all day, do you think that’s okay?” Being an expert on these things, I assured her it was fine and then ran like hell.

The whole exchange got me to thinking. The Sex and the City underwear query, the inside-out-underwear woman, what does it all mean? I remembered an incident back in October where the waitress at the Waffle House in Staunton Virginia chose to inform the cook that she wasn’t wearing any underwear while she was refreshing my coffee. So many weird panty-related incidents, clearly increasing in frequency. I wish I could figure out what it all means.

No, I take that back. I have zero desire to know what this all means. Zip. None. Nada. Forget I even mentioned it.

If they make it, I will watch

I enjoyed the Jaws reissue on DVD so much the other night that I felt compelled to watch the Jaws 2 reissue. I rented this one, I did not buy it. Let’s be clear – I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.

Jaws 2 was pretty awful. I knew it was bad going in, but I really didn’t remember it being this, well, awful.

There’s a fine line between bad and awful. But if you can transcend mere awfulness, you can reach the sublime state of Bad, which is more good than bad, really.

I believe I’ve explained all this to you before. My problem was that I had 4 mixed up with Jaws 3/3-D (the one at Sea World) which was was a bad/good interlude bordering on Bad before the franchise descended into bad/awful territory in Jaws 4D, wherein our hero pursues Brody’s widow and a drunk pilot played by Michael Caine to the ends of the earth.

You think the shark isn’t our hero? Oh baby, you haven’t seen all 4 of these in a row in a while have you? Yikes.

This took a deeper toll on me than the time we watched all of the Planet of the Apes movies – in their entirety – more than once over the course of one weekend. I thought I was made of stronger stuff but clearly I was mistaken. How do I know this? Because after I finished viewing Jaws 2 I got it into my head that watching a series of inferior sequels in one stretch was a good idea.

I not only watched Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, but I laughed. I didn’t laugh nearly as hard at Ace as I did at my next selection, the unintentionally hilarious Halloween 2.

I swear to you Donald Pleasance is method acting and has apparently been given the instruction to feel the pain of Cornelius in Escape from the Planet the Apes. He delivers a line and then shuffles off in this lurching way I can’t describe. Why does he walk that way? We never see his feet, maybe he’s wearing McDowell’s Ape-suit feet, necessitating the otherwise illogical loping/shuffling gait but still not explaining why he swings his arms that way. I simply don’t get it. Neither does Jamie Lee Curtis, which may be why her character spends the whole film hiding not only from her brother, but everyone else in the cast.

Do not try this at home, that’s all I have to say.