None of the specimens identified in this post represent any of our neighbors (that I am aware of).

Think it’s safe to casually mention to other people that you bought a new dishwasher or are having your kitchen counters replaced? Oh, hell no. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’re about to discover just how psychotic some of your friends, family or coworkers really are. These people are The Competitive Renovators.

Competitive Renovators tell you what a huge mistake you’ve made. They don’t even need to know what you’ve done to your home. Trust them, you chose the wrong brand, contractor, supplier or materials.

There are 4 types of Competitive Renovators. You need to be prepared to spot them and neutralize them immediately or they will drive you insane.

The Vicarious Renovator, or VR, used to be fairly easy to deal with. You stayed clear of their collection of Architectural Digest magazines and their boxed sets of This Old House and you were golden.

HGTV has changed all that. Now VRs are conversant in home improvement and interior design. VRs have neither the water feature nor the faux brick wall in their own home, but that doesn’t stop them from harping on endlessly about how badly your own place needs these things.

If you buy new throw pillows, you can be assured that the VR will pick one of them up, hold it up to a wall, the curtains, the dog, or whatever else is close at hand. After scrutinizing the object with one eye shut, the VR will ask where you bought said pillow. My advice is to lie. No matter where you got it, say it came from the VR’s favorite store.

To gain this knowledge you may have to root through the mail of everyone you know and memorize the mailing lists they’re on, but it’s worth the effort. You can try keeping a little database on your blackberry or iphone, but you have to remember to review it periodically or it will do you no good.

The VR, it should be noted, often lives in an apartment, so they never really have to put up or shut up.

Trendy Renovators are often couples with young children. They replaced all of their perfectly good kitchen appliances with stainless steel a few years ago and has been trying to subtly buff scratches and wipe baby smudges off when you aren’t looking ever since. TRs are very bitter and want to lead you down a similar foolish path just so they can feel better.

The best way to neutralize TRs is to be very coy about your project and, no matter what stage you’re at or what the project is, tell them that you’re still interviewing designers. Offer no names. Act like this is Top Secret information. Wink, or at least bob your head in a knowing fashion as you say this.

Then distract them by asking how that glass vessel sink is working out in the kid’s bathroom.

Smug and Informed Renovators, or SIRS, can easily be distinguished from TRs. SIRs rarely do any home improvement themselves, but if they were to renovate, they know exactly what they would do. Until someone else does it. Then they would do some other thing.

SIRs tend to buy new or already-renovated properties so that they may bask in the good features (industrial-strength vent hood) and blame others for the bad ones (broken whirlpool tub).

These are the people who have decided that everyone else (i.e., you) is a moron. Rest assured that no matter what item, process or material you choose, it will be the wrong one. Often, you are related to these people by marriage. Your best defense is to never allow them into your home, ever.

Last, but certainly not least, are the Renovation Olympians. ROs have plans, tools, and know-how. The RO doesn’t renovate, restore or repair, the RO conquers.

Fortunately, ROs rarely bothers you – they’re usually too busy hand-carving their new roof tiles out of reclaimed teak from a salvaged pirate ship off the coast of Spain. Unless you nurtured the silkworms, spun the silk, wove the fabric, and designed and sewed your new living room curtains all by yourself, the RO is not interested in seeing them.

ROs tend to sell their home and move as soon as they’ve reached a state of perfection. My advice is to locate the RO in your neighborhood and let them know you want first crack at the place if they should ever decide to sell. This is the path of least resistance.