Pegasus vs Chimera

September 16, 2012

[Video: Pegasus vs Chimera]

Pegasus vs Chimera, tonight’s SyFy Saturday Night Craptacular, is the single greatest movie I’ve seen in the last 6 minutes.

The movie, which we started about 5 minutes ago, is set in some hokey mythological past somewhere. The Kingdom of the Seven Realms, where I think they live, must be catty corner from Game of Thrones and adjacent to Conan the Barbarian. Several towns away from Lord of the Rings, though. Might have shared a beach house one summer with Reign of Fire. Can’t rule it out.

Pegasus vs Chimera co-stars That Guy Who’s in Everything, Sebastian Roche, and That Guy Who’s in A Lot of Stuff, Carlo Rota. And Rae Dawn Chong.

I know! Right?

I was so busy thinking about all of that, I spaced out and just returned 3 minutes later to a scene where That Guy Who’s in Everything is yakyakyakking about vengeance to a dewy young woman who I think might be a Princess.

At least Reign of Fire has Christian Bale and Matthew Matthew McConaughey. With the exception of That Guy Who’s in Everything, this is a movie about slightly doughy men delivering manly-man dialogue with what simply has to be an intentionally overwrought & stereotypically effeminate affectation.

As for wardrobe, many of the actors seem to be wearing their own bedsheets, held together by accessories purchased at a KMart in Central Florida sometime in late 1983.

I suppose you could argue this is the movie for people who always complain about the anachronistically tanned, toned and waxed characters on Game of Thrones. (See also: the King’s Landing Strip).

I have no idea what’s happening in this movie but apparently now there’s a Chimera. Apparently, it’s the Bad Creature That Must Be Stopped. Husband says that’s obvious because everyone loves Pegasuses. I ask how he knows that, because I thought everybody loved unicorns. Husband says people love them both.

We spend some time wondering if Pegasuses and Unicorns would be friends or enemies. We discuss this for a lot longer than we should admit, but to be fair, this is a (delightfully) terrible movie and this debate helps pass the time.

Husband asks me if I’m blogging this. I think he’s laughing at me. Hey, I have an excuse to be watching this, I’m blogging it. He’s just watching it. I’m not live-blogging it, though. It was on earlier tonight, but our Tivo, Overlord II is recording it so we could watch when we got home.

The movie is 2 hours long and we’re timeshifted by about 90 minutes…so that means that those of you who watched this movie on the east coast in real time tonight will probably be dead by the time I post this.

It’s really a pretty terrible movie.

The key is apparently to stop paying attention for a few minutes, because I just looked back up and Rae Dawn Chong is doing something hilarious and bizarre while Acting. Husband describes it as Greek Goddess Stick Dancing.

Husband can be charitable.

“But our only choice Is. To. FIGHT his monster!” The Princess just spat, with the same tone and delivery she’s used for every other line in every scene, no matter what the alleged emotional tone of the scene.

Holy crap, this whole movie has been totally worthwhile for the completely cheesetastic scenes of That Guy Who’s in Everything and the Princess pretending to fly around on the pegasus. Or on a mechanical bull. It’s unclear, really. Husband believes Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was their point of reference for how to Act like you’re flying.

Hey, so get this: in Japan, Reign of Fire was released with the title, “Salamander.” Seriously?

That Guy Who’s in Everything plays George Washington in the official big-budget Hollywood biopic they show at Mount Vernon, George Washington’s estate. Henceforth, Pegasus vs Chimera shall be known in our household as “that movie where George Washington rides around on a pegasus.”

And well it should.

I think every “major” character in Pegasus vs Chimera has had a season-long role on 24. There must be some seriously messed up drinking game they play on the set of that show – it would explain a lot about this movie.

As the final dramatic scene of the movie unfolds, Husband yells at the screen in complete exasperation, “Fuck you, Pegasus! Why didn’t you do that over an hour ago?”

Thereby proving my point that probably not everyone loves Pegasuses.

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September 16, 2012 @ 2:34 pm

You made it a lot further into the movie than I did. I was looking forward to all week (after last week’s sand sharks and 2-headed shark attack – both staring Brooke Hogan) I last 5 minutes and never even saw the pegasus.

September 16, 2012 @ 3:32 pm

How have I missed this gem in the Rae Dawn Chong oevre?

And I think Pegasus is an asshole.

September 18, 2012 @ 9:33 pm

The only thing this movie was missing was etruscan pottery. Oh, and a PEGASUS.