I'm going to hell, I hope they serve tater tots

You know who annoys me more than newly converted Jesus freaks? Newly converted dieters. Today I was just trying to go to CVS to get some Tylenol when I was pounced on by “nutritional consultants” handing out samples of some new pom-soy-who knows what “nutrition” bar.

I declined and said, “I’d rather just eat the actual unprocessed fruit.”

I know this usually provokes a fracas, and I must admit I was a little feverish and I was looking to rumble.

Much to my contrarian chagrin, the perkier of the two woman didn’t take the bait! She actually agreed with me. I wondered if her corporate overlords know she’s saying such things?

At first.

Then she started yakking about the importance of eating a fruit or vegetable from as many colors of the rainbow as possible every day and how hard that can be and how her product can help fill those gaps when you just can’t find so much variety.

I’m not one to lose so easily, so I tried derailing her by asking whether bananas counted as white or yellow. I actually wonder about this, so it wasn’t completely combative of me. Then I brought up peaches. Pink? Yellow? What about the one I had with breakfast? It was pretty whitish inside, more of a cream than a true canary.

I started to feel guilty for being obnoxious and sounding self-righteous so I told them I’d spent the weekend subsisting on Guinness, tater tots, and chocolate. They giggled at my joke; they thought I was kidding. I wasn’t.

I also wasn’t kidding about eating actual fruit instead of pre-packaged snacks and this was making the Nutrition Specialists pouty and combative because I still wouldn’t try the snack sample.

The more she tried to make me eat the Soylent Pom, the more resistant I got.

Then the whole thing got derailed because someone else pointed out that you should never let your kids eat peaches because they’re a stone fruit and everyone knows that stone fruits cause ADHD. Or maybe Autism. Or maybe they just make them worse. Or maybe eating them makes the symptoms better.

Best not to take the chance. Make sure your children are terrified of peaches and apricots and cherries. One bite and their brains will implode. Or maybe explode. Just don’t take the chance.

Everyone seems to know this, with great certainty, even if they aren’t certain what they know. Everyone agreed it was something that started with “a” and that it was very, very bad. Apparently, giving little Jayden or Avery or Eithne stone fruits is now more dangerous than feeding them sugary breakfast cereals or letting them take a bath without water wings before they’re 18.

It always disturbs me when people are so adamant about eliminating a specific food or consuming a food based on vague health claims, even more so when they aren’t even sure why they’re doing it in the first place. Perhaps there’s a connection, I’m not an expert.

I wanted to shout a few disease names that started with “a” but I saw an opening and I took it, so I sprinted to my car and went home. They aren’t my kids and it isn’t my business, but the medical anthropologist in me still likes to stay aware of these wacky trends and the social and cultural implications of them.

Once I got home, I sat down with my macbook and tried to suss out the genesis of the stone fruit/ADHD or autism connection but quickly got distracted by Monsters Cereal, an entire blog devoted to Count Chocula, Franken Berry and Boo-Berry. Then I got sucked into the YouTube.

Then I got distracted by Breakfast of the Gods.

God bless the Internet. I feel better already.

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  • Those ladies sound like a couple of fruitists to me. It’s a shame. I’m not an authority on spectral diversity but I believe peaches are peach colored.

  • WTF?!

    I mean, um, yes, stone fruits are evil and everyone should avoid them and then the price will drop for people who foolishly keep eating them.


  • Yep, I only feed my kids processed food and sugar-filled cereals. If it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for them! : )

    And I once had a co-worker stop talking to me for months because I told her the reason she was losing weight on the South Beach diet wasn’t because she had stopped eating carbs. It was because she was actually paying attention to what she was eating. Boy was she pissed. And I can’t say that I missed her conversation all that much for the months that she ignored me.

  • rebecca

    “peaches are peach colored.”


  • EvilAgent

    Peaches are perfect for drive by fruitings! Not to mention I have a recipe for an awesome Peach Melba cake using fresh peaches.

  • rebecca

    The Dairy Godmother has been making an amazing peach cobbler after the farmer’s market every week for a few weeks now. I wonder if she knows she’s slowly killing our brains?

  • That does it. I’m going in the kitchen and eating a plum, right this minute.

  • Supervisory Evil Agent

    Okay, let me just point this out now…Do NOT interfere with Social Darwinism. At this rate we may be rid of significant portion of a seriously deficient gene pool. And did I mention, MORE for the REST of US!

  • Them peaches need bacon wrapped around them.