Tag Archives: movies

Ghost: Could it really be as bad as I remember?

In a word? Yes.

The 1990 mega-hit Ghost starred Demi Moore, Patrick Swayze’s chest, Tony Goldwyn and Whoopi Goldberg. It was so awesome that it’s been reworked and is currently in previews before heading to London’s otherwise theatrically respectable West End as a musical. Of course it is.

I would like points for having the self-restraint not to suggest that “Patrick Swayze’s Nipples” would make a fantastic band name.

You’re welcome.

Ghost is ham-fisted, but it’s not incompetent. Director Jerry Zucker, part of the genius team that created the Airplane movies, knows what he’s doing. That said, I suspect that no one quite knew what to do with this movie. To be fair, it’s not the worst movie ever, it’s just a muddle of too many genres, each given a shallow treatment. It starts out with a spooky title sequence then transitions abruptly to that staple of the late 80s: New York City Real Estate Porn. Goldwyn and Swayze use sledghammers to knock out a huge wall to make the gigantic amazing loft that characters Sam and Molly just moved into super-gigantic. Barechested, natch. Then it’s a lovestory. Then it’s a mystery. Then it’s a wacky slapstick comedy. Then it’s a ghost story. Then it’s Sam running around barechested again. Can someone please give that man a shirt?

Whoopi Goldberg as medium Oda Mae Brown and Vincent Schiavelli as the ghost-mentor who saves Sam’s bacon turn in great performances. It also has Stephen Root in a small role as a cop. Root has been in pretty much everything you’ve ever seen but is probably most famous for playing Milton in Office Space. Root and I were born in the same hospital. I’m running out of things to say about this movie.

Patrick Swayze & his chest (Sam) and Demi Moore (Molly) apparently have no family or friends other than Carl Bruner (Goldwyn). Despite the fact that they work in a huge bank, Sam and Carl seem to only work together. Sam gets killed and the mystery to be solved is: which one of his one colleague is ripping him off? I can overlook the primitive CGI, Demi Moore rocking a serious Moe, and the uneven Acting. But I can’t overlook that the mystery at the core of the movie isn’t mysterious. At all. And that’s just annoying.

I’ve already identified my mistake. This isn’t a morning-coffee sort of movie unless you routinely put kahlua in your coffee. I wanted to start the day with Beetlejuice but netflix streaming wasn’t cooperating so I thought this would be an okay film to jump ahead to.

If memory serves, I saw this movie at The Avalon with EvilAgent not long after we started working together in 1990. The theatre was packed and we couldn’t stop giggling every time one of the bad guys died and the “dark spirits” came for them. Those weren’t supposed to be the funny parts, or so I’ve been told.

And now, just for you: Puppies Parody The Famous Ghost Pottery Scene:

I choose to believe this is true

Originally, this was going to be an epic post was about how Husband and I watched a double feature of Flashdance and Poltergeist on Saturday night.

We have a big muddy pit in our backyard while the renovation happens so maybe Poltergeist wasn’t the best choice ever. I dragged Sean to see it in the theatre a couple of years ago. It’s hokey, but it’s still got some scary moments.

Then I read that Michael Sembello originally wrote this song after watching the movie Maniac. The Flashdance version of the chorus is:

She’s a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she’s dancing like she’s never danced before.

The original chorus is allegedly:

He’s a maniac, maniac that’s for sure,
He will kill your cat and nail him to the door.

That’s so ridiculously silly and awesome I don’t think there’s anything left to say.

Alice in Wonderland (1999)

When you stop being disturbed by the image of grown men dressed as rabbits, that’s when I think you have a real problem.

Fortunately, the 1999 NBC miniseries, Alice in Wonderland, features a white rabbit and other creatures created by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. Unfortunately, it also features Whoopi Goldberg as the Cheshire Cat. Everything about the Cheshire Cat is wrong. Only a small part of that blame can be laid at Whoopi’s feet, but she’s still a terrible choice.

It’s an amusing enough adaptation but it’s got more than a whiff of those awkward 80s made for tv production values about it, which is unfortunate because it was made in 1999. There’s more good than bad and the Emmy Awards it won included makeup and costumes (and the nomination for visual effects) that were certainly deserved.

It does contain one of my favorite version of the caucus race, but I may be partial to it because it takes place in a surreal library and the participants of the race remind me fondly of some of my more eccentric library colleagues. It’s a remarkably faithful version of Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass and I’m going to have nightmares about that March Hare.

This version stars Tina Majorino (Alice), Robbie Coltrane, Whoopi Goldberg (Cheshire Cat), Ben Kingsley (the Caterpillar), Christopher Lloyd, Pete Postlethwaite, Miranda Richardson, Martin Short (the Mad Hatter), Peter Ustinov, George Wendt and Gene Wilder.

The DVD we’re watching was released today with 5 minutes restored to it that were apparently cut in the previous release. We can’t judge whether this is an improvement or not because we’ve never seen it before. I can say that the March Hare’s teapot/pipe organ is exceptionally clever. You can see it at about 1:36 in this youtube clip, which has the embedding feature blocked so I can only link to it.

Alice's adventures in wonderland. If by "wonderland" you mean "my nightmares."

Alice (1988)

In 1988 Czech animator Jan Svankmajer unleashed Neco z Alenky (Alice) on the world. The world was not ready.

The world is still not ready.

This movie is available on the Netflix instant viewing service so I guess there’s a chance some of you might venture to see it. If so, you might consider this post to be fraught with spoilers, but honestly, if you don’t know the plot to Alice in Wonderland by now this isn’t really the movie for you, anyway. Or if you’re afraid of burrowing socks, then this is not the movie for you.

There are a lot of taxidermied animals in this movie that have been animated using stop-motion animation, but the white rabbit is the spookiest. The rabbit has a gaping gut wound that he repairs with a large safety pin. Nevertheless, every time he pulls out his watch, he leaks copious amounts of sawdust. At one point, he eats large spoonfuls of sawdust from a bowl to replenish his guts.

Really.

The first 30 minutes were pretty slow, but we’ve managed to hang in there. I’m glad we did because Alice just went into the rabbit’s house and grew large and suddenly the film has become a work of mad genius.

A carriage full of fancifully taxidermied chimera with skulls with doll eyes for heads shows up. The cart is accompanied by foley hoofbeats and horses whinnying, but it is actually drawn by a pair of chickens with skull heads. That’s when things get….

I’m sorry, I was trying to come up with a colorful way to say “bizarre” but I was so hypnotized by the tea party scene, which involves wooden marionettes, a pocketwatch full of butter, and extreme closeups of teeth that I forgot what I was trying to say so instead I’ll embed video of Alice meeting the caterpillar.

First Run Features distributes Alice on DVD in the U.S..

Little girls should not chase after grown men in bunny suits

If you want to vicariously enjoy our quest to watch every live-action version of Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass, I’m tagging every post with an Alice in Wonderland tag.

Wednesday, we started watching the epic 3 1/2 hour 1985 made-for-tv adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. I have vague memories of this movie, but mostly I think I repressed it. This version starred Roddy McDowall, Scott Baio, Sherman Hemsley, Telly Savalas, Ringo Starr, Imogene Coca, Red Buttons, Sid Caesar, Sally Struthers, John Stamos, Ernest Borgnine, Beau and Lloyd Bridges, Carol Channing, Merv Griffin, and Sammy Davis, Jr, among others.

I’m pretty sure that watching this movie is what going crazy feels like.

We should have drunk more coffee before we started watching it. We weren’t even through the Love Boat-esque opening credits before Husband was yelling, “This isn’t good. This isn’t good.” Plus, Every time Alice said, “Eat me,” we started snickering like Beavis and Butthead.

We watched the first 20 minutes. During Sammy Davis, Jr’s Father William dance number I checked amazon and discovered that I could own this gem for only $6.99. I think it’s going to take a while to get through the whole movie so I ordered my own copy and returned the Netflix copy.

That means we won’t have it to enjoy during Snowpocalypse 2010 but that may be for the best. I have 9 other versions stacked up here to keep us busy, although none of those feature visual effects were by John Dykstra, of Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek and Sewer Shark fame.

I can also use the time to blog about a few other versions we’ve watched recently. Of Alice, not Sewer Shark. There can be only one Sewer Shark.

But back to Alice…If you only own one made-for-tv adaptation of Alice in Wonderland starring every cheese-tastic tv star from the 70s and early 80s, this is the version for you. You might also want to invest in some pharmaceuticals or a good bottle of gin. You’re going to need it.