I get a lot of email asking for career advice. Sometimes, this mail isn’t actually intended even for me. It takes a lot of self-control not to answer the messages anyway. A recent inquiry asked what advice I could give in regards to getting a job in the field of “art handling.” Or possibly “ape handling.” I’ve decided it could go either way.

I started to compose a response, but lost interest.

Dear _____,
I’m pleased to hear that you’re exploring careers in the world of Art and/or Ape Handling. I hope that I can provide some guidance as you embark on this exciting new career path.

First, always handle never fondle. This is the most important rule of Art and/or Ape Handling.

The second rule, never talk about Art/Ape Handling, should require no elaboration.

Never approach a piece of art/ape directly. This has resulted in many injuries and can have long-term, disasterous consequences. Better to approach the art/ape sideways, head bowed deferentially. Move slowly, making low, soothing noises in the back of the throat.

Never bare your teeth or make and hold eye contact in a forward and aggressive manner.

Keep your hands visible and empty, save perhaps for a treat. An apple or cube of alfalfa will work splendidly. (As an aside: Alfalfa cubes may be procured at any of your better feed lot stores and often come in 50 pound sacks, which can get moldy. It’s best to transfer the cubes to a rubbermaid-type sealing container at your earliest convenience to prevent moisture buildup and subsequent moldiness-issues).

Mutual grooming is an essential bonding component of art/ape handling and you will need to devoted many hours to this activity to ensure that you are accepted into the group and don’t get your arms ripped from your body and used as a bludgeon. It’s never good to be beaten to death with what were formerly one’s own limbs, now is it?

I think it’s a good idea to make sure you either know the person you’re eliciting advice from or ask them if they’re willing to give you advice (and, ideally, make sure they understand what career you’re interested in) before you launch into a campaign of begging for help. Just a thought.