I hate them, hate them, hate them. Oddly, exposure to these contraptions has, in a very brief period of time, brainwashed me. Even when I’m at home sometimes I catch myself just standing there, waiting for the toilet to flush itself. (Now, if my toilet at home ever did flush itself I’d have a real problem). The weird thing about this conditioned response is that the auto-flush toilets at work – the ones that have brainwashed me in the first place – never flush when they’re supposed to. So why has this happened to me?

I understand that auto-flushers are supposed to be eco-friendly, more sanitary, blah blah blah. But let me just say that I think that they really suck. Since they installed these horrible contraptions in my workplace, the restroom stinks. All the time. Why? Because the toilets never flush when they’re supposed to. They do flush occassionally. Like when no one else is there they’ll all flush when you’re across the room washing your hands, which is unnerving. (I should say when you’re trying to wash your hands by flailing them helplessly as you try to get the auto-sinks to work.)

The toilets also flush with reckless abandon when you’re trying to use the damn things. And since they flush a little vigorously, those with slow reflexes could be in for quite a surprise. I guess it makes things interesting.

It’s rare to encounter an auto-flush toilet that works like it’s supposed to. I encountered one in a reststop off I-95 in Georgia 2 years ago, but I can’t find my notes so I can’t tell you exactly where. And yes, I do keep notes on these things. It might be important someday. How else could I tell you that the restrooms off I-95 in Northern Virginia have radiators like blast-furnaces, the toilets in North Carolina off I-85 are generally moderately clean, and that in Florida, for some mysterious reason, they feel the need to post signs telling you that the toilet water is non-potable? I bet even someone less toilet-obsessed than myself could have told you that.

I had a much more eloquent rant about the sheer wastefulness of auto-flush toilets, but I couldn’t get into blogger all day to share it with you. Somehow that led to the discovery of the SPAM haiku site so I suppose it was providence.

Or not.