We usually bypass the saccharine-filled ickiness that is Animal Planet. Last night when I wasn’t paying attention Husband was flipping channels, landed on Animal Planet, and for some reason he stayed. A really cutesy show called “Amazing Animal Videos” started, complete with perky-yet-inept host and whimsical theme music.

We were only half-paying attention so you can imagine our surprise when the first home video turned out to be a woman recounting being mauled by a bear. It was violent and gross. Really, really gross. Next up: a guy who hugs sharks.

We’re still reeling from the bear incident when we get to a tear-jerker-with-a-happy-ending-story. Willy the Chihuahua is paralyzed and facing death row at the pound. He gets adopted, gets a wheelchair, and becomes Wheeley Willy, Friend to Disabled Children Everywhere. Everyone loves Wheeley Willy, he’s so cute and quiet and full of love. It probably doesn’t hurt that he was debarked. Don’t get me wrong, some of our best friends are Chihuahuas, but they’re long-hairs and they have a very different temperament. I just can’t imagine that Wheeley Willy would be nearly so charming is we could actually hear all the vocalization he is attempting unsuccessfully, thanks to his former owner’s decision to sever his vocal chords.*

We come back from commercial and the perky host jabbers and jabbers and jabbers. Her inflection is off and so everything she says sounds like parody. Husband gets tired of the host and starts yelling at the screen, “Shut up and roll the tape.” I’m a little worried about him at this point, moreso when he starts sort of rocking in the Lazy-Boy and muttering “wall of pain. wall of pain. wall of pain.”

The host wraps up her spiel. “Now we’re going to see pigs do things pigs don’t normally do. Like skateboard!” (wall of pain. wall of pain. wall of pain).

Next we get to see one herd of elephants take another herd’s baby hostage with the intention of killing it, followed by a tiger park in Thailand where the tiger cubs are nursed by pigs, and then it’s time for the Feline Tetherball Championship! (wall of pain. wall of pain. wall of pain).

Even the local news was a relief after that.

*I think debarking is evil. I don’t think Willy should have been debarked. I’m just saying.