I’m still disgruntled that Spielberg, the Cinematic Cheesemeister Extraordinaire, could make such a dull and lifeless movie. Anything would have to be better. This is my performance art interpretation.

Act One:
Woman enters, stage right. She wears a trenchcoat.

A key light creates a delicate halo around her hair.

The woman pulls a live trout from her coat pocket and tosses it on the stage.

Trout flops and gasps. 40 minutes.

Act Two:
3 people dressed as Waffle House Managers beat the shit out of toaster ovens and other small appliances with
aluminum baseball bats. 1 hour, 10 minutes

Act Three:
Someone does mouth to mouth on the trout, eventually putting it on ice.

Midgets perform an interpretive dance to the theme of
Close Encounters. 42 minutes.

The end.