A small handful of Californians are not, in fact, dead to me. These include, but are not limited to, Jessica and Batgrl. And Denzel Washington, because he’s really, really hot.

Then, I discovered that Takoma Park is loaning us their, um, Real Department of Homeland Security. Jesus is apparently the only one protecting us goodhearted folk from the seething and ever-multiplying terrorist hoards. The mormons also stopped by.

Yes, for 20 days they’re going to be here in my little town giving us the inside scoop on the post-September 11th environment with such stirring sessions as, “Somethings out there! And it’s not anthrax!” (October 21st) and “What do slaughtered goats have to do with my security?” (October 29th).

We got a glossy brochure in the mail, too, complete with their web address. SoulSecurity.org has all the info if you want your own.

I’m so happy that “confidence, stability and security can be yours through these dramatic presentations” complete with “puppets and drama.” Don’t forget to bring the kids for what certainly appears to be a heaping helping of religious bigotry!

I can hardly wait.

editor’s note: this post was restored march 7, 2007 and soulsecurity.org seems to no longer be an active link. I left it, because today I am lazy