Category Archives: true life 2003

the American Cheese Society

The caller wanted to know if one needed to be a full-fledged cheese professional to join the American Cheese Society. He was so sincere. Rather than politely explain he had the wrong number, I decided to investigate the matter for him.

I am pleased to report that one does not need to be a cheese professional to join the American Cheese Society. In fact, one does not even need to be a cheese apprentice, one may merely be a cheese Enthusiast, to join the ranks of these (presumably) fine and dedicated dairy folk.

I would like self-restraint points for not doing any of the following: mocking the caller, telling the caller he had the wrong number and hanging up, and last, but possibly most importantly, not secretly signing up anyone I know to the American Cheese Society. (and don’t you people be getting any ideas yourselves)

…and all I could think was, "I bet if you misplace a Congressman they don't give you another one."

I got up at 4:30 this morning because the next President of the United States of America and I were going to go on a little roadtrip. Except when I got to the pickup point, I couldn’t find him.

I was, needless to say, a little worried. Periodically, I called my voicemail to see if I had any messages.

5:45 no messages
6:00 no messages, no Congressman
6:15 no messages, no Congressman
6:30 3 new messages

Thank you, AT&T, for holding my messages hostage and letting me think (for what felt like an eternity) that I’d left a perfectly good Presidential candidate stranded somewhere.

The downside: I didn’t get to spend a lot of quality time with Dennis this morning.

The upside: I got to work really, really early. And I won’t be punished severly for misplacing Dennis Kucinich, it wasn’t my fault at all we were in two different cities. (Really, it wasn’t my fault!)

high school flashback

Back in high school, my friend’s older brother was just getting his start as a TV news reporter. This meant he got the shit assignments on the local network.

“Reporting live from inside a cage at the dogpound, I’m…Jonathan Serrie.”

“Reporting live while strapped to the front of a Buick to see what it’s like to be a lovebug, I’m…Jonathan Serrie.”

My favorite moments were when he was dispatched to show us just how windy it was on the beach during a hurricane. I mean, I felt sorry for him, but it was always fun to see how well he could keep his cool while being hit by punishing winds, knowing his producer was safe and dry back at the station.

Well, he’s come a long way since then, reporting on wars, famines, and other Important stuff. But 15 years just melted right away for me when I clicked on the fox news network and there he was, Jonathan Serrie, reporting live from the hurricane.

It was just like old times, watching the poor guy get blown on his ass by windgusts as he tried to yell to the camera, which was being whipped every which way by the wind and not capturing much of what he was trying to say anyway.

Good times, indeed.

I’ve been inhabiting my own narrow little universe for so long that I’d forgotten just how great I shoot with my mind and xkot’s blog are.

logarithms & football (and never the two shall meet)

You should pity poor Husband, for he is an Eagles fan. His Eagles played the World Champion, Master’s of the Universe, Greatest Team Ever Tamp Bay Bucslast night. And they got their butts kicked.

He sent me to bed early in the second quarter because I couldn’t stop intoning “World Champion, Master’s of the Universe, Greatest Team Ever” everytime the Bucs did anything, to include, but not be limited to: passing, kicking, tackling, breathing, standing, sitting, running, or appearing onscreen. Consequently, he pretty much couldn’t hear the announcers at all. (Personally, I think he should have considered that a blessing, cause I think they were drunk right out of the gate last night).

In other news, I’m trying to trick my friend into subbing for me because I have to teach a bunch of non-math majors logarithms and, truth be told, I’m very bad at teaching math. That’s a bad thing in a so-called physics professor, why do you think I tell people I’m an athropologist? She’s not falling for it, so I’m on my own. Here’s my lecture so far:

“They’re exponential and they make big numbers manageable and why do you think we have calculators?”

That works well enough for me.

(I’m kidding of course, I will teach them logarithms and turn them into the greatest mathematicians the world has ever seen).

Did I mention that the Bucs handed the Eagles their asses on a plate last night? I did? Just checking. I wanted to be sure, because they are, as you know, the World Champion, Master’s of the Universe, Greatest Team Ever.