Author Archives: meanlouise

“The Pluto File” (1.8)

Title In: A Secret Testing Site Maryland, September 1942

General Blankenship (Richard Eastham) and Major Steve Trevor (Lyle Waggoner) watch a demonstration of Professor Warren’s earthquake machine. The Professor is played by Hayden Rorke, who played Dr. Bellows on I Dream of Jeannie, so already I have questions about his TV-scientific credibility.

Basically, Steve and the General are standing in a field watching shit blow up while Professor Warren’s assistant, Charles Benson (Albert Stratton), tells them that the explosions are causing small movements in the Earth’s crust.

The Professor explains that his ultimate goal is to prevent or control earthquakes using this technology he created to cause earthquakes.

I don’t know who let Steve and the General attend this demo without adult supervision, because they’re just standing around looking perplexed. But, to be fair, who wouldn’t? They want to weaponize earthquakes? That sounds like a terrible idea.

At LaGuardia Airport – New York Mr. Fallon (Robert Reed aka Mike Brady) and his Lady Friend (Mikki Jamison) arrive.

At The War Department Washington, D.C. One Hour Later Steve enthuses about the Professor’s work while Diana ruminates on how wonderful it would be if the earthquake machine could be used for peace.

General Blankenship tells Steve that a man fitting the description of The Falcon, an international mercenary, arrived at La Guardia, but slipped through Customs before they could put a tail on him.

Hey, do you think Mr. Fallon is…The Falcon?

Diana checks The Falcon’s file. He was last seen in India 2 weeks ago.

Building 6: Professor Warrens Secret lab

The Falcon infiltrates Professor Warren’s Secret Lab in Building 6 at the Scientific Institute. Gaining access to the Professor’s lab, The Falcon demands the Pluto File, which must be important because it’s the name of this episode.

The Falcon offers the Professor one million dollars for the file. The Professor refuses. The Falcon knocks out both the guard and the Professor. He escapes with the file.

Robert Reed as The Falcon

At The Scientific Institute 20 Minutes Later, Steve, Diana, and the General inspect the crime scene. The Pluto File is missing! Who has stolen it? They should probably go to Walter Reed Hospital and ask the Professor some questions.

Meanwhile, out in a mountainous area that doesn’t resemble suburban Maryland in any way, shape or form, The Falcon and his henchman Frank do a little sniper practice on some innocent cantaloups.

Back at the War Department in Washington, D.C. Etta Candy (Beatrice Colen) reports that The Falcon’s Lady Friend is in the isolation ward in a New York hospital…with bubonic plague!

Diana reports that Sgt. Evans, a guard who was knocked out during the break-in, also has bubonic plague.

At Walter Reed Hospital. Diana and Steve talk to Dr. Barnes (Kenneth Tigar). The doctor tells them that bubonic plague is rare, but not unheard of. There’s the Falcon’s Lady Friend in New York. And just two weeks ago, there was an outbreak in India.

Let’s review, Steve: The Falcon is a mercenary who just arrived in the United States. Stealing the Pluto File totally sounds like it would be The Falcon’s jam. There was an outbreak of plague in India 2 weeks ago. The Falcon was in India 2 weeks ago. The Falcon’s Lady Friend has the plague. The guard who tried to stop the burglar who stole the Pluto File caught the plague. What could it possibly mean? Surely even Steve Trevor will connect these dots…

But no.

Fortunately, Diana is able to connect dots. She thinks The Falcon is carrying the plague and he took the Pluto File.

The professor is sleeping so Diana sits by his bed and delivers a weird monologue:

“You have discovered the hope of the ancients. Since time began, man has sought that knowledge, the knowledge to still the Earth’s tremors. Or to cause them to quake with the energy of the Sun.”

Um. What?

Luckily, we don’t get much time to think about it, because somehow Diana realizes the Professor is in danger. She spins into Wonder Wonder in front of the open window. Since the Falcon is preparing to shoot the Professor through that window, this seems like a bad idea for a couple of reasons. But using heavy explosives to start and/or stop earthquakes also seems like a bad idea, so let’s just move on.

With her bullet-deflecting bracelets, Wonder Woman saves Professor Warren from the Falcon’s sniper attack. She jumps out the window and gives chase, but The Falcon has already made tracks. There’s some Wonder Woman jumping action, but as a chase scene, it’s over before it starts. Frank is a competent henchman and he kept the car engine running while The Falcon did his sniper thing.

The Following Day – A Mid-Town Hotel

The Professor’s assistant, Charles Benson, is colluding with the Falcon! The Falcon, Benson, and Frank plan to cause a massive earthquake in Washington, D.C. Frank and Benson work for The Falcon.

I wonder who The Falcon could possibly be working for?

At the War Department, Diana reports that Sgt. Evans definitely has the plague. Oh, sure, now Steve is sure The Falcon stole the file. And yet, he’s only “pretty sure” The Falcon tried to assassinate the Professor. Oh, Steve. Diana tells him she’s certain there’s a leak in the Professor’s lab. She’s suspicious of Charles Benson.

Steve and Diana return to in Building 6. The Professor is back at work. While the Professor describes the burglar to Steve and Diana, Benson works in the lab.

Benson is a sweaty, coughing mess, which really ought to be more of a cause for concern considering one of their lab’s guards is in the hospital with bubonic plague.

Diana leaves the lab to bring the car around. Steve suggests that Benson go to the hospital. Benson locks Steve and the Professor in the lab and makes a run for it.

Diana spots Benson running through what is obviously California, spins into Wonder Woman, catches him with her golden lasso, and makes him confess that he’s working for the Falcon.

Can you guess who the Falcon is working for?

(Nazis. He’s working for the Nazis).

Wonder Woman and Steve ship Benson off to the hospital in an ambulance. Steve has a lot of questions, but none of them are: Where is Diana? or Why is Wonder Woman here? or Why don’t we have more guards around this place? I have a question: Why is Steve Trevor considered a brilliant spy?

Meanwhile, on A Road Leading to Bladensburg, Frank drives The Falcon to Bladensburg, Maryland by way of a California evergreen forest.

Any time any character says “Bladensburg” they pronounce it “Blaahdensburg” which causes Husband to snicker and yell “Blaaaaaaahdensburg.”

Unfortunately, Frank realizes they’re running out of gas! Stupid war rationing! They coast in to a rural gas station where rural rube Bobby attends to the gas tank while Frank checks under the hood.

Frank is feverish, so he drinks out of the water hose after he fills the radiator reservoir. He coughs on Bobby. Bobby also drinks out of the hose. Bobby is a hick, so there’s a comic banjo plucking interlude on the soundtrack while he drinks out of the hose and contracts the deadly plague. Hilarity!

Outside the secret experimental atomic research laboratory in Bladensburg, Maryland, Frank and The Falcon continue to mispronounce Bladensburg.

Meanwhile In Unsuspecting Washington, D.C., Diana informs Steve that a patient with bubonic plague is being transported from “Blahdensburg” to Walter Reed.

“Blahdensburg!” Steve exclaims. “You’re pronouncing it all wrong!”

Just kidding.

Steve observes that it’s strange there’s a plague case in Blahdensburg, the same small town the General asked them to meet about a top secret project!

At Walter Reed Hospital, Diana and Steve question Bobby. Bobby describes the two men. Like the Professor, he describes The Falcon as “athletic” even though he tells them that The Falcon didn’t even get out of the car, so how does he know that? Plus, The Falcon is not athletic. The writers can keep putting those words in characters’ mouths, but we’re still not buying what they’re selling.

Bobby also says Blahdensburg.

I’m very disappointed in you, Bobby.

After they leave the hospital, Steve and Diana drive out to Bladensburg to meet General Blankenship at Project 741, “the cyclotron reactor part of the Manhattan Project.”

As they arrive, the lab begins the unstoppable countdown to a reactor core test. Oh, TV scientists and your unstoppable test countdowns! You do like to live large don’t you?

By the way, the code name for the Manhattan Project was assigned August 13, 1942. This episode takes place in September, which seems like an awfully short amount of time for a project this highly compartmentalized and secret to be so widely and casually known in the War Department – a strange historical inaccuracy in a genre otherwise so deeply devoted to authenticity and historical and scientific realism.

(I just wanted to see if I could type that without laughing out loud).

(I couldn’t).

Anyway, let’s avoid falling down a nuclear history rabbit hole and just admire this swanky set design:

Diana excuses herself from the core-testing excitement, goes out into the Maryland/California forest, and spins into Wonder Woman just in time for a series of explosions around the secret Project 741 atomic lab.

The Falcon has used the earthquake machine to trigger an earthquake!

Steve tells the scientists they have to shut down the reactor tests, because The Falcon is loose in the area with the plans for an earthquake machine, which is maybe something he should have mentioned in the last scene right before the scientists started the unstoppable core reactor test.

The scientists aren’t worried, even though Steve just told them a madman is in the area with an earthquake machine and they just had an earthquake.

The scientists say they chose the location of the lab because it isn’t near any fault lines. While this is technically accurate, that doesn’t mean there aren’t faults in Maryland. Or earthquakes.

Also, not to put too fine point on it, but there’s a mercenary loose in the neighborhood with an earthquake machine.

Here’s what the U.S. Geologic Service says about the difference between faults and fault-lines:

Faults are different from fault lines. A fault is a three-dimensional surface within the planet Earth. At the fault, rocks have broken. The rocks on one side of the fault have moved past the rocks on the other side. In contrast, a fault line is a line that stretches along the ground. The fault line is where the fault cuts the Earth’s surface. Faults come in all sizes, from small ones whose short fault lines you can see in a single road cut, to huge faults whose long fault lines can be seen best in pictures taken from orbiting satellites. On continents, faults are everywhere, of all sizes, and they formed at many different times during the Earth’s long history.

The U.S.G.S. doesn’t appear to have any comment available about the feasibility of earthquake machines.

The point is: earthquakes happen in Maryland and even if they didn’t, this is a stupidly designed research facility with a stupid countdown protocol and stupid scientists who don’t know how to cool down their own reactor core if the test they’re doing to see how hot they can heat the reactor malfunctions.

Fine. Look.I’m willing to give back a few points for authenticity, because those are some authentic-looking government science lab puke-green cinderblock walls. Steve and the General could be standing in my old grad school office in the Physics Department.

Husband is still snickering everytime someone says Blaaaaahdensburg.

And now I’m distracted by this index to historical documents about nuclear history in Maryland. I’ll give you a moment to see what caught my eye:

Right. So where were we?

As they make their getaway, The Falcon tells Frank that he’s concerned that the Professor might be the one person on Earth who can stop the tremors they’ve started, since he’s the one person on Earth who has figured out how to start them in the first place.

At the Science Institute, Wonder Woman assists the Professor with math.

He wants to use Hooke’s Law to do some calculations involving potential energy and harmonic oscillation and that seems like something a seismologist ought to be able to do himself. Nevertheless, they math.

The Professor marvels at a woman writing an equation on a chalkboard, staring at her like he’s watching a poodle dance on its back legs while it plays the kazoo.

Wonder Woman & Professor Warren do some math

Meanwhile, snare drums on the soundtrack tell us that The Falcon and Frank are staking out the Professor’s secret lab. It’s a secret military base, in case you forgot.

There are only 2 guards posted around the perimeter of this massive, critically important facility which contains plans for dangerous shit like earthquake machines. Luckily, Wonder Woman is inside, mathing with the Professor.

Back in Blahdensburg, the scientists try to figure out how to cool down the reactor core while Steve and the General wring their hands. At least Steve dispatches more guards to the Professor’s lab.

Outside Building 6, a truck with more guards screeches up and the guards disperse around the building. Unfortunately, in the back – which Husband and I call “the California side of the lab” – there are still only 2 guards.

Frank and The Falcon hop a fence. Frank creates a diversion, while The Falcon prepares to make his move.

Frank has the plague, so his diversion is basically running over to a chainlink fence and crumpling onto the ground. Wonder Woman instructs the guards to call an ambulance and watch out for plague cooties.

She runs back inside and resumes mathing, sagely telling the professor: “integral calculus is always problematical.”

Is it, Wonder Woman? Is it?

Wonder Woman and the Professor math some more.

Wonder Woman steps out for more chalk and The Falcon makes his move, but he’s all sweaty and coughing and plague-infested so he’s a little off his game.

Even though he’s sweaty and coughing and clearly plague-infested, but he doesn’t believe Wonder Woman when she tells him he has the bubonic plague.

Suddenly, an earthquake creates a distraction! Wonder Woman uses her golden lasso to capture The Falcon.

The Professor has an epiphany! They can stop the reactor from overheating by flooding it with water! He calls the nuclear plant, yelling “I’m a seismologist, not a nuclear scientist!”

The day, it is saved!

Husband: “I’m not sure what happened there, but it didn’t seem very expensive.”

With a wry grin, the Professor tells Wonder Woman, “Someday, I’d like to discover how to stop an earthquake.” Then they laugh and laugh and laugh as though his earthquake-causing technology didn’t almost just destroy Washington, D.C. so yeah, if you’re going to cause earthquakes with your earthquake machine you probably ought to also invent and earthquake-stopping machine.

Back at the War Department, Diana reports to Steve and Etta that all the bubonic plague patients are going to make a full recovery.

Diana hopes that The Falcon spends his time in prison thinking about all the bad things he did and resolves change his evil ways and do good in the world.

Steve approves of the power of Diana’s positive thinking. It’s just like Wonder Woman’s positive thinking!

This episode contains:
Atomic Anachronisms
Bubonic Plague
Bullets and Bracelets
California
Earthquake Machine
Earthquakes
Golden Lasso
Henchmen
Jumping
Mad Science
Math
Nazi Spies
Nukes
Scientist
Sexism
Spies
Spinning
Stolen Plans
Stupid Codenames

Going Ape in “Wonder Woman Vs. Gargantua!” (1.7)

Lynda Carter often says in interviews that a level of Nazi fatigue started to set in midway through Wonder Woman’s first season. The description of the episode that aired December 18, 1976 at least sounds like everyone is going to get a little bit of a break from Nazi-palooza. The episode promises an exciting battle of brains and brawn – the title even has an exclamation point in it, so obviously it’s going to be awesome. (I’m pretty sure that’s what we all thought when we saw the listing in the newspaper. At age 5, you believe everything you read). “Wonder Woman Vs. Gargantua!” (1.7). Gargantua isn’t just a normal gorilla, he’s a hyper-intelligent Great Ape who scientists think might be the missing link between man and ape! And he turns out to be a Nazi.

The title card reads A Nazi-Held Section of Africa, May 1942, which seems unnecessarily vague since the image behind it is a map that clearly reads “The Republic of Congo.” The camera zooms in on the word “Congo” to drive the point home.

We hear exotic woodwinds and jungle-esque drums and animal noises, because Africa, I guess.

Wonder Woman makes her way through the jungle, pursued by a gorilla whose costume includes a mask that was clearly repurposed from the Planet of the Apes, which gives it a form of double-uncanniness.

The gorilla attacks Wonder Woman, lifting her above his head in a really awkward way. She blows the whistle that has been dangling on a cord around her neck, and the signal immediately subdues the ape.

Removing a Mission Impossible-style mask, she reveals that she’s not really Wonder Woman at all! It’s Erica (Gretchen Corbett), Nazi animal behavioral expert and daughter of one of the world’s greatest animal behaviorists. This isn’t a random gorilla attack on Wonder Woman, it’s Gargantua training!

Title In: September, 1942 – 5 Months Later At the Turner Circus, Outside Washington D.C.

Crowds thrill to the acts under the big top.

Out on the midway, which looks just like a soundstage hallway, Gargantua is on display in a cage. A guard talks up Gargantua, telling the crowd that scientists think Gargantua is one of the missing links between man and ape. At first I thought the writers were winking at the sideshow tradition wherein Talkers make exaggerated and/or false scientific claims about exhibits to draw in spectators. But no.

Spoiler alert: we stick with this whole “missing link” mumbo jumbo all the way through the episode.

Don’t call them “Barkers,” you rube, they’re called Talkers.

The circus is infested with Nazis! Erica and Carl the circus guard scheme. Erica is obsessed with capturing Wonder Woman.

That Same Day at the Washington Interrogation Headquarters, Steve Trevor interrogates Conrad Steigler (John Hillerman), Nazi Defector. Diana Prince and General Blankenship observe the interrogation and talk about how they need to take Steigler to a safe location so the Nazis don’t try to abduct him.

The building exterior they show in the establishing shot is actually the U.S. Department of Justice, so I’ll allow it.

Later That Night at a deserted oil refinery in Washington, D.C. Nazi Hans (Robert Loggia) and the rest of Team Nazi Circus plot to rescue Steigler from the Safe House.

There aren’t any oil refineries in Washington, D.C.

At the Safe House Erica directs Gargantua to scale the four-story building and rescue Steigler. Gargantua attacks the MPs and then gets down to the business of abducting Steigler.

After the abduction, Steve and Diana arrive at the Safe House. They question the MPs. The MPs say they were attacked by a gorilla.

Half an Hour Later at the Oil Refinery
Team Nazi bickers about whether they should go back to Germany right away, or use Steigler as bait in a trap for Wonder Woman.

Erica gives Team Nazi a demonstration of Gargantua’s high level of training. She blows a whistle, which compels Gargantua to reach out of his cage, grab a black and white cardboard cutout of Wonder Woman, and smash it to pieces.

The next day at the War Department Etta Candy (Beatrice Colen) and Diana read about Gargantua in the morning paper. Etta tells Diana that Gargantua reminds her of the mid-shipman she’s been dating. Diana wisely chooses to ignore this information.

Diana tells Etta and Steve that she feels bad for Gargantua and hopes no one hurts him. He’s the smartest ape of all-time, you know!

At the Safe House, Dr. Osmond (Herb Voland), the world’s greatest animal behaviorist, examines the evidence.

Later, Dr. Osmond calls Steve and Diana and they meet him at Beta Research Laboratory.

Steve, who is a moron, has trouble connecting the dots. He thinks the MPs are lying, but Diana suggests they’re just traumatized. The evidence mounts. There’s a missing gorilla. Who is a super-smart gorilla. Who is an extreme large gorilla, an almost 7 foot tall gorilla. The MPs report that they saw a very tall gorilla. The MPs claim they were attacked by a gorilla. Someone abducted the Nazi defector by scaling a 4 story building, like a gorilla. They find gorilla hair at the scene of the abduction of the Nazi defector. Oh, and there’s also a huge gorilla footprint in the mud outside the Safe House and gorilla gorilla gorilla goddamn it Steve Trevor why are you so obtuse?

Mickey Morton, who plays Gargantua, has a resume that is both fantastic and terrible. It includes playing Malla in The Star Wars Holiday Special!

Dr. Osmond finds crude oil on the gorilla fur specimen. Steve Trevor goes out to investigate the abandoned oil refinery on Old Georgetown Road.

Diana calls Etta, who is concerned for Steve’s safety because that refinery hasn’t been used “in a long time,” which is ridiculous since the dialogue in the previous scene established that the refinery was closed so recently that even the War Department didn’t know it was no longer operational.

Diana spins into Wonder Woman and goes to the refinery. She gets there before Steve does.

It’s a trap!

Gargantua attacks!

Wonder Woman reasons with Gargantua. Wonder Woman wants all animals to live in peace and freedom.

Outside, Steve and a few jeeploads of MPs arrive.

Wonder Woman convinces Gargantua to reconsider his life choices.

The MPs see Wonder Woman and Gargantua grappling. One of the MP shoots at Gargantua, but Wonder Woman deflects the bullet. When Gargantua steps aside, the MP shoots him. Dr. Osmond saves him and promises to reprogram him. Wonder Woman is glad, because on Paradise Island the Amazons live peacefully with all animals, including animals that most people consider ferocious.

Wonder Woman sure seems to break the first rule of Paradise Island (Never talk about Paradise Island) a lot.

Gargantua and Wonder Woman are now friends.

Back at the Waterfront: Team Nazi argues over whether they should rescue Gargantua.

Back at Beta Lab: Steve and Diana visit Dr. Osmond and Gargantua. Diana meets Gargantua and within moments they’re holding hands, becoming fast friends. Gargantua knows that Diana is Wonder Woman, because unlike everyone else, Gargantua is not stupid.

After Diana and Steve leave the lab, Erica and Carl show up. They abduct Gargantua and take him back to the the waterfront so that Erica can re-re-program him while they wait for their UBoat, which has been delayed by the Coast Guard. Or maybe it’s been delayed because you probably can’t get a UBoat up the Potomac River to the Washington, D.C. waterfront.

While they wait, Erica tries to reprogram Gargantua using a publicity still from the episode where Wonder Woman won the beauty pageant.

Steve goes to investigate something somewhere, leaving Diana at the War Department. Or so he thinks.

Diana spins into Wonder Woman and goes to The Warehouse on Pier 19, where she uses her golden lasso to scale the side of a building and pay Team Nazi a visit.

The waterfront in Wonder Woman’s D.C. is very different from the actual Washington D.C. waterfront. In this episode, it’s a deep ocean port with dozens of piers and warehouses. It’s not any of those things.

Gargantua sees Wonder Woman and attacks! Wonder Woman judo flips Gargantua and then apologizes to him. She tells him he should be free. They bond.

Then, Steve and the MPs show up. You expect them to shoot at Gargantua again, so Wonder Woman can use her bracelets to deflect the bullets, but apparently the special effects budget was all used up by this point.

Wonder Woman talks about “kindness and tenderness and love” while both Gargantua and Steve Trevor look at her with puppy dog eyes. It’s seriously strange.

Two nights later, Wonder Woman visits Gargantua, who is back in his cage at the Circus, which is presumably less Nazi-infested now. Wonder Woman sneaks Gargantua out and flies him to Stock Footage Africa, where they hold hands and make weird googly eyes at each other while sexy saxophone music plays.

Then, Wonder Woman flies back to America in the Invisible Jet while stock footage animals stampede and Gargantua waves forlornly.

Back at the War Department the next morning, Diana tells them she’s late for work because she had to “drop off a friend.”

Holy cats, Steve Trevor didn’t get hit on the head or gassed or otherwise rendered unconscious one single time this entire episode!

    This episode contains:

  • An Ape
  • Bullets and Bracelets
  • Circus
  • Consciousness Raising
  • Disguises
  • Golden Lasso
  • Invisible Jet
  • Mad Science
  • Nazi Spies
  • Spinning
  • Stock Footage Africa

The Wonder Woman Special Event Continues wiith… “The Feminum Mystique – Part 2” (1.6)

Image shared on photobucket by user JADflores

I’m aware that Wonder Woman aired in the dark time before VCRs, DVRs, or any of the other technologies that make life worth living. I’m still not sure we needed such a lengthy “previously on Wonder Woman” sequence to launch us into “The Feminum Mystique, Part 2 (1.6),” but here we are.

Let me save you some time:

In Part 1, the Amazon Queen sent her daughter Drusilla/Wonder Girl to America to talk her older sister Diana/Wonder Woman into returning to Paradise Island. Dru got hooked on ice cream and men. Steve Trevor managed to stay conscious for the entire episode. Everyone said XPJ1 a lot.

Nazi spies tried to steal the XPJ1, which doesn’t make any sense since XPJ1 designer Peter Knight is also a Nazi spy. Why do they need to steal this plane so badly since they have the designer and the plans? And if they’re just sabotaging the project so the Americans won’t put the plane into production, it seems like there are better ways to do that.

Oh, whatever.

XPJ1.

Let’s just get to the episode.

We join Wonder Girl’s captivity, already in progress in an abandoned warehouse in D.C.’s Nazi District. The Nazis believe she’s Wonder Woman. Wonder Girl doesn’t look a day over 1870, so it’s a leeeettle far-fetched to think these guys can mistake her for a woman in her 2500s.

As long as the Nazis don’t know there are two Wonder Beings, they don’t know they have two adversaries standing between them and the super-secret XPJ1 airplane. Let’s give Wonder Girl a few points for not tipping her hand in that regard.

Wonder Girl thinks she’s protecting Peter Knight, of XPJ1 fame. She thinks he’s also a prisoner. We know he’s a Nazi.

Wonder Girl protects Peter Knight

XPJ1 creator Peter Knight can’t get over how much Wonder Woman reminds him of a teenager he met just last night. How nutty is that!

XPJ1 designer Peter Knight uses his “masculine charms” to find out where the bracelets come from, because the Nazis want that metal!

Wonder Girl tells him the 1st rule of Paradise Island Club: “Never tell anyone about Paradise Island Club.” Then, unable to withstand his masculine charms and dreamy smalltalk about stargazing, she reveals enough information to enable your average 8 year old with a rudimentary navigational star chart to pinpoint the location of Paradise Island.

Meanwhile, at the War Department, Etta Candy tells Diana there’s intel that the Nazis are up to something on the coast of Florida. For some wacky reason, they seem to be suiting up to invade the Bermuda Triangle.

Paradise Island is in the Bermuda Triangle!

Diana tells Steve she’s going home to see if her missing sister is there. Steve blithely accepts that “wherever” Diana is from, it’s far away and they don’t have telephones.

Let’s assume this is what happens next: Diana walks away shaking her head because her boss is an idiot, turns into Wonder Woman, and hops in her Invisible Jet.

When she arrives on Paradise Island, Wonder Woman discovers that her sister isn’t there.

The Amazons could save a fortune in Invisible Fuel if they’d just get a telephone or some other form of communications technology. How hard could it be? They have Invisible Jet technology. It seems like anything else would be a snap.

Wonder Woman gathers some Amazons to guard the Feminum Mines. I’m not entirely sure how she knows the Nazis are after the Feminum, but it does seem like a pretty good idea to keep an eye on the magical invaluable ore. The Queen doesn’t want to cause a panic, so she tells the rest of the Amazons that Diana and friends are going on a “hunting party.”

In high heels and sheer chiffon mini dresses, the Amazons hop on their trusty horses and ride off to the other side of the island.

Elsewhere in the Caribbean, we see the Nazis preparing to invade.

Elsewhere in the Caribbean? They’re at Paradise Island.

Unfortunately, Diana’s sisters aren’t taking the Nazi threat very seriously. They play jacks when they should be keeping a lookout. They think the Nazis sound dreamy, what with their blond hair and blue eyes.

Jacks? That’s the best thing the director could come up with when he blocked the scene and asked “What would Amazons do if they weren’t doing a good job of guarding something and weren’t worried about being invaded by Nazis and were instead enamored by the Hollywood ideal of men with blue eyes and blond hair?”

I want to blame the writers, but the writers of this episode are woman and I feel I’d be letting Wonder Woman down if I heaped scorn on them without first considering if this was a dumb decision made by a male director. The usual cliches, particularly “soldiers play cards and let their guard down,” aren’t necessarily any more sophisticated, but visually they don’t have the same infantilizing and gendered connotations as woman sitting on the ground playing a game associated almost entirely with young children.

The Nazis invade! They get their asses handed to them by giggling girly Amazons…until the Nazis break out the knockout gas, as Nazis are wont to do.

Here’s a clip of the scene. It’s in Spanish but you can trust me when I tell you, even if you don’t understand Spanish you won’t have a problem following the action.

Meanwhile, at the airfield, Steve and Peter Knight stand by the XPJ1. Peter casually introduces Harvey Manning. Harvey is the new Chief Mechanic on the super-secret XPJ1 project. Harvey isn’t a new character, he’s Wertz, a pre-existing Nazi from the first episode.

You might think there would be bureaucracy or paperwork involved in bringing in a new Chief Mechanic on a project as super-secret as the XPJ1, but you’d be mistaken. How the hell else are they going to end up with more Nazi spies on this project?

You need to work hard to create security gaps wide enough to drive a Nazi through. Steve Trevor is well-suited for the task.

Meanwhile, in Washington D.C.’s Nazi District, Wonder Girl busts out of her cell, reclaims her bracelets, and escapes.

At Diana’s Apartment, Wonder Girl calls General Blankenship and learns Steve is at the airfield with the XPJ1.

Drusilla goes to the airfield looking for Steve and Diana. She tells Steve that the Nazis killed Peter Knight! Steve doesn’t believe her, of course, because he was just out at the XPJ1 chatting with Peter Knight. Steve doesn’t seem all that interested in Dru’s traumatic experience. He lays a guilt-trip on Dru about how Diana went home to look for her and then he goes back out to the XPJ1.

Can we just circle back around to the fact that Steve is such a terrible Intelligence agent he doesn’t even know his own secretary’s home town?

Back out at the XPJ1, Steve tells Peter that a teenage girl accused him of being a Nazi spy. Peter Knight does the logical thing: he freaks out and runs. Steve throws Peter Knight in the brig.

Steve does nothing about Harvey/Wertz, the mechanic who is 3 feet away on a ladder working on the XPJ1 while they arrest his Nazi spy boss who vouched for him and put him to work on the super-secret project 10 minutes ago.

Drusilla/Wonder Girl hops in her Invisible Jet and flies home.

On Paradise Island, Nazis force the Amazons to work in the Feminum Mines. Can I just point out that, technically, they’re mining the Feminum from a lagoon. Can you call a lagoon a mine? You know what? I don’t care.

The Amazons stand in water in their sheer white mini-dresses, mining Feminum. The Nazis took their bracelets. The Nazis have machine guns. For now, the Amazons do what they’re told.

Once all of the ore is extracted, the Nazis plan to take the Amazons back to Berlin for experimentation and breeding.

Wonder Woman won't let her sisters be used for Nazi experiments!

Wonder Woman is so happy to see her sister! She does the old “I’ve got a plan pssst pssst pssst” silent whisper to Wonder Girl.

Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl have a plan!

The Amazons stage a catfight in the lagoon. It’s a distraction! Wonder Woman stealthily steals back the bracelets. Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl knock out a few Nazis and drag them into the bushes.

So far so good.

But then things get stupid.

I imagine the script read: “Dumb plan, dumber Nazis.”

The rest of the storytime-consuming plan involves returning the bracelets to the Amazons in the lagoon one pair at a time as each Amazon makes the lengthy boring journey up from the lagoon to the ore collection basket and back to the lagoon. They have these huge baskets! One Amazon could carry all of the bracelets back in one trip! But no.

They carry on like this until it’s time for the next commercial break, at which point the plan develops a certain urgency. Wonder Woman dumps the remaining bracelets in a basket and returns them all at once.

Nazi Commander Radl calls the Queen an old woman. Ageist jerk. She’ll show him. She holds her bracelet in his face and the hostage situation ends and are you kidding me?

The Queen orders her scientists to erase the Nazi’s memories, put them back in their boats, and set them adrift for the American Navy to capture.

I have questions about all this memory erasing and mental manipulation. The Queen seems to be working from the Charles Xavier Code of Ethics, a subject we’ll return to at a later time.

Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl wing there way back to D.C. from off the coast of Florida by way of New York City so we can enjoy a gratuitous shot of the Statue of Liberty.

Meanwhile, at the airfield, Steve prepares to test the XPJ1. Wertz/Harvey disguises himself as Steve, hits Steve over the head, and takes his place as the XPJ1 test pilot. Again. I bet someone in the writers room thought that this provided the story with great symmetry.

It doesn’t.

Wonder Woman arrives in the nick of time, using her strength to keep the XPJ1 from taking off. Wertz hops out of the plane and runs down the runway, but Wonder Girl catches him.

Diana and Drusilla are conspicuously absent.

Wonder Woman shows up with a teenage sidekick.

Whoa!

Steve doesn’t notice this wacky coincidence. To be fair, he did just get knocked unconscious and probably has a Traumatic Brain Injury.

And yet, he’s allowed to test pilot the XPJ1 based on the sound medical judgment that he says he’s fine to fly.

I give up.

Later, Steve takes Diana and Drusilla out for ice cream.

It’s possible Diana bends the Nazi gun barrels when the Amazons overpower the Nazis on Paradise Island. This is a thing that I need to review in previous episodes, because I see notes in the margins for a “Gun Bending” category. I’ll note it if I update the categories retroactively.

    This episode contains:

  • Amazons
  • Bullets and Bracelets
  • Disguises
  • Giggling
  • Golden Lasson
  • Horses
  • Ice Cream
  • Invisible Jet(s)
  • Knockout gas
  • Kooky Queen
  • Mining
  • Nazi spies
  • Sisterhood
  • Spinning
  • Unconscious Steve Trevor
  • Wonder Girl
  • XPJ1

A Wonder Woman Special Event: “The Feminum Mystique – Part 1” (1.5)

Welcome back to “Oh shit I had no idea you actually meant it when you said you rewatched every episode of the Wonder Woman TV series with Lynda Carter & Lyle Waggoner that aired from 1975-1979 and now you’re going to blog about it.”

Hippolyta, Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl

Next up: “The Feminum Mystique (1.5 & 1.6), which was advertised as a “special” because it was two parts. I guess that was why. Honestly, they said it was special so I took it on faith because I was a small child.

I remember watching this episode with my friends. It was advertised as a two-part special. I remember this blowing our little minds. Two parts! Are they even allowed to do that?

Rewatching these two episodes, my mind still reels, but for entirely different reasons.

Holy cats. I don’t even know where to begin, so let’s just begin at the beginning, with Part 1 (1.5).

Title In: Off the Coast of Virginia – 1942 – Dawn. A man (John Saxon) watches from the shore. A submarine surfaces and a man rows to shore. Radl, the man on the beach, greets his Nazi pal Wertz (Paul Shenar).

Terrible German accents ensue.

These guys are spies. Couldn’t the writers just tell us they’re German but they’re really good spies so they don’t have discernible accents? Wouldn’t that have been easier for everyone?

The average depth of the Chesapeake Bay is 21 feet, right? A submarine couldn’t cruise in and drop someone off, right? That said, submarines did deliver Nazi spies to the coasts of Jacksonville, Florida and New York in 1942, so I’m going to allow this bit of creative license to go relatively un-mocked.

Major Steve Trevor and Yeoman Prince arrive at Aldrich Field, Virginia – One Hour Later . In case you don’t understand that this is a military installation, the soundtrack is snappy snare drumming and lots of it.

Brilliant engineer Peter Knight (Charles Frank) unveils his revolutionary new plane: the XPJ1. The XPJ1 is powered by jet propulsion. The XPJ1 doesn’t have propellers. The XPJ1 is going to change the course of the war.

Diana acts amazed at the wondrous XPJ1, but we know she’s got a supersonic jazzy-jazz playing invisible plane that can fly circles around this contraption so let’s choose to read her performance as barely-concealed contempt and condescension.

XPJ1. XPJ1. They say it so often you might at first think “hey that’s a promising-sounding drinking game.” It’s not, unless you want to be as unconscious as Steve Trevor.

That wasn’t fair. Steve isn’t gassed or drugged or knocked unconscious one single time in this episode, but you get my drift.

The soundtrack swells with an anemic rendition of the fanfare from Richard Strauss’s Also Sprach Zarathustra. (Most know that as “the 2001 music”). The little plane they wheel out of the hanger does not live up to that hype.

Steve has been taking secret flying lessons so he can be the XPJ1 test pilot…but Nazi spies Radl and Wertz have been studying an ill-gotten set of XPJ1 plans so Wertz also knows how to fly the XPJ1!

While the XPJ1 is being wheeled onto the runway, Wertz and Radl blow up a nearby fuel depot to create a distraction. Other spies, disguised as MPs, provide cover so Wertz can steal the XPJ1.

Diana runs away and spins. Her newly acquired flash of light, which starts blue, glows white-hot, and then shrinks and turns red to reveal Wonder Woman, is on-point.

Wonder Woman deflects some bullets with her bracelets and catches the phony MPs, but Wertz gets away with the XPJ1…or does he?

While Wonder Woman is being a badass, Steve saunters to his jeep phone and puts in a call to General Blankenship (Richard Eastham) at the War Department asking him to put Code Z into effect.

The General blows up the XPJ1 with the most hilarious remote detonator ever – it’s a pair of doorbell buttons housed in a locked case hardwired into the wall at the War Department which detonate a bomb in the XPJ1. This seems a little pessimistic if you ask me.

Wertz parachutes to safety.

At the War Department in Washington D.C. Steve tells Diana a secret: Code Z is a trick to fool the Nazis into thinking that the XPJ1 isn’t ready for prime time.

Now safely back at Nazi Intelligence Headquarters in Germany Wertz isn’t buying the “XPJ1 is a failure” ruse.

The Nazis still want the XPJ1 plans, but they also want to get their hands on this Wonder Woman and her bullet deflecting bracelets. Bullet deflecting metal sounds even more useful to the war effort than the XPJ1. What is that metal? (Spoiler alert: it’s called “feminum”).

The Nazis have heard rumors about a Wonder Woman, presumably from two episodes ago (1.3) WHEN THEY HELD WONDER WOMAN PRISONER IN THIS VERY BUILDING. Sure, yes, at the end of that episode it’s implied that Wonder Woman probably erased a few Nazi memories, but Operation Fraulein – the plan to capture Wonder Woman and study her – came from Hitler himself, so surely there are at least a few Nazis who remember this thing that just happened a month or so ago.

Wait.

In the pilot (1.1), Wonder Woman was billed as the star attraction in a daredevil show where she deflected bullets with her bracelets.

Two episodes later she appeared at public War Bond rallies to raise money because she’s a well-known superhero.

In the last episode (1.4), Wonder Woman won a super-big-time beauty pageant and was crowned Miss G.I. Dreamgirl 1942.

In this episode, Hippolyta is surprised that Wonder Woman became super famous all over the world.

How are the Nazis the only ones who don’t know about Wonder Woman?

Isn’t she their arch-nemesis?

Meanwhile, Radl takes refuge in Hibbsville, Virginia with a Nazi collaborator in the U.S. Forestry Service.

Geography note: There is no Hibbsville, Virginia. On the show, it seems to be somewhere between downtown D.C. and Fort Belvoir. Trust me when I tell you that submarines have never surfaced in that area. It’s not even on the Bay, that’s the Potomac River.

Moving on.

I haven’t posted any screenshots of the titles yet, so here’s one. The comic book style is as awesome now as it was then. It’s the only visual effect that has aged well, although the flashing Wonder Woman morph is still a delight, but it’s not a delight because it’s retro-cool.

Title In: Paradise Island – An Uncharted Body of Land with in the Bermuda Triangle.

Amazons in flouncy sheer white outfits do jumping jacks as the Queen (Carolyn Jones) swans about. She announces that the games may begin and we’re treated to a bizarre montage of footraces, archery, staff fighting, and balletic lifts.

Paradise Island Games

The Queen’s daughter Drusilla (Debra Winger) is the best at everything: athletics, agility, scholarship, and cruelty! Seriously, she put a snake down a classmate’s back even though Drusilla knew she was terrified of snakes.

The Queen misses her eldest daughter and wants Diana to eschew her fame in the world and return to Paradise Island. She sends Drusilla to fetch her.

Carolyn Jones (Hippolyta) and Debra Winger (Drusilla)

At the War Department: Steve tells Diana that they’ll be having dinner with Peter Knight because they have sensitive intelligence to discuss. Discussing sensitive information in a restaurant is a stupid thing to do, so Diana suggests they have dinner at her place.

Etta Candy (Beatrice Colen) is sad that no one takes her out to dinner. Diana promises to take her out to dinner, but that’s not what Etta wants. Etta wants a man. Sexy saxophone music plays as Diana assures her that she has never wanted to be a man.

Diana arrives at her apartment to cook dinner and immediately senses the presence of an intruder.

Spinning into Wonder Woman, she creeps into the kitchen to find…her kid sister Drusilla eating ice cream!

How large is the Paradise Island Invisible Jet Fleet?

Diana shows Dru her “dowdy” alter-ego, Diana Prince.

Oh, Diana, STFU.

Diana explains to Dru why she can’t return to Paradise Island right now: she has to stay and fight the Nazis so they don’t enslave the world. Sounds legit, but Dru isn’t ready to leave just yet. She wants to know more about men.

Diana explains that men are children, gods, geniuses and fools. That’s really what she says. Diana tells Dru she can stay for dinner so she can see some men.

Drusilla eats all the Ice Cream

Dru can’t show up at the dinner table in that yellow chiffon mini-dress, so Diana gussies her up and puts ribbons in her pigtails. This makes me question how old Dru is supposed to be and who thought it appropriate to dress her so young but then spin her into a weirdly revealing Wonder Girl get-up later.

At dinner Dru is awkward and strange, saying things like, “I like men!”

Peter Knight, designer of the XPJ1, thinks she’s adorbs. Peter Knight, designer of the XPJ1, is obviously a Nazi spy.

Nevertheless, Steve and Peter discuss Top Secret sensitive information relating to the XPJ1 at the dinner table in front of this strange teenager, a total stranger attending their secret XPJ1 dinner.

This post was begging for a TEDXpj1 joke but I never came up with a good one.

Later, Drusilla puts on her yellow dress again for some reason and takes an unsupervised wander around Diana’s ‘hood, paying a visit to the maltshop where she meets normal teenagers who do not wander around in chiffon mini-dresses and bullet-deflecting bracelets.

Diana gets Dru new clothes and takes her to the War Department the following day. Take your sister to work day takes a peculiar twist when Dru goes on an supervised fieldtrip with General Blankenship to Fort Belvoir so he can explain Nazis to her and point out Mount Vernon. Mount Vernon is, in fact, on the way to Fort Belvoir if you take the GW Parkway. I was going to call bullshit on this but the segment of the Parkway between Mount Vernon and Memorial Bridge was completed in 1932 and the show takes place in 1942. It’s the Northern segments of the Parkway that weren’t completed until the 1950s, so this is entirely plausible. Well, the part about driving from D.C. to Fort Belvoir by way of the George Washington Parkway is plausible. The General who runs the War Department taking a teenager he’s known for all of 30 seconds on an extensive tour of sensitive military locations? Not so much.

Unless this is further proof that he knows that Diana is Wonder Woman and that this girl must also be an Amazon.

Nope. Not buying that either.

The GW Parkway is scenic, but it’s also a great place to be ambushed by Nazis! The General is taken prisoner. The trap for Wonder Woman has been set!

The kidnappers leave Drusilla in the abandoned car since they think she’s just a random annoying teenager who happens to be riding around with the head of the War Department. Dru runs to a gas-station where the mechanic doesn’t believe her that the General was kidnapped so she asks for directions to the nearest Ranger Station and then runs away.

Dru doesn’t know anything about America or pretty much anything unrelated to Paradise Island, so why would her panicky reaction be to ask directions to something as specific as a Ranger Station?

The Ranger Station is, of course, a Nazi hideout.

After a few false-spin-starts, Dru has a flashback to the day the Queen taught Diana how to spin into Wonder Woman, and then Dru successfully spins herself into Wonder Girl. Here, now you don’t have to imagine what this looks like:


Then, of course, she walks right into the trap and is chloroformed by Nazis.

Meanwhile, at the gas station, Steve and Diana question the mechanic. He sends them to the Ranger Station, where they find the General trussed up. Since he was locked up in a closet, the General doesn’t know who showed up or why the Nazis left.

Steve is probably delighted not to be the mansel in distress for a change.

No one has said XPJ1 in at least one minute.

Diana goes back to her apartment. Dru isn’t there! Diana calls Steve, who brushes aside her concerns and assures her that Dru is probably just out having fun.

This sneak preview of Steve’s parenting skills explains a lot about the events in seasons 2 and 3.

A Deserted Industrial Area – a Refuge for Nazi Spies . Seriously, that’s the title card.

The real question is: what isn’t a refuge for Nazi spies on this show?

Wonder Girl is in a holding cell. The Nazis believe they’ve captured Wonder Woman, although they’re confused because she seems smaller than they expected.

Her costume is totally different and so is her hair and also her age but sure whatever, why not: that’s definitely Wonder Woman you’ve got in that cage.

From Nazi Intelligence Headquarters orders are sent to the Deserted Industrial Area to test Wonder Woman’s bracelets.

TO BE CONTINUED….

    This episode contains:

  • Amazons
  • Bullet and Bracelets
  • Calisthenics
  • Chloroform
  • Cliffhangers!
  • Dinner Party
  • Ice Cream
  • Invisible Jet
  • Mansel
  • Nazi Park Rangers
  • Nazi Spies
  • Sightseeing
  • Sisterhood!
  • Submarines
  • XPJ1
  • Wonder Girl

The Hidden Tribute to Nazi Spies in Washington, D.C.

Since I’ve been making fun of the pervasiveness of Nazi spies on Wonder Woman, I’ve been planning a historical post about the intense real-life paranoia over Nazi spies that gripped the nation after 8 Nazi spies were arrested in 1942 in New York and Jacksonville, Florida. Six of them were sentenced to death and electrocuted in the dead of night.

I’ve heard Park Service tales of a strange memorial to these spies, but I expected to have to do a little work to put together the post.

It turns out, the story is even stranger than I imagined.

Conveniently, it’s on the front page of the Washington Post today. Thanks to John Woodrow Cox, I can just post a link and call it a day.

“Six Nazi spies were executed in D.C. White supremacists gave them a memorial — on federal land.”

“I kind of started doing a little bit of my own research,” [now-retired NPS Resource Manager Jim] Rosenstock recalled of that day in 2006 when he began to help unravel an only-in-Washington mystery, complete with World War II espionage, nationwide panic, a mass electrocution, J. Edgar Hoover chicanery, white supremacists, classic federal bureaucracy and a U.S. Supreme Court case that played a significant role in America’s modern war on terror.

It’s quite a story. You should go read the whole thing. The mystery of the marker is fascinating, the consequences the case had are chilling.

“The country went wild,” Francis Biddle, then attorney general, later wrote in a memoir.

Hundreds of German aliens were rounded up and others, suspected of spying, were arrested. The Justice Department banned German and Italian barbers, servers and busboys from Washington’s hotels and restaurants because three of the would-be saboteurs had worked as waiters in America.

Ignoring due process, President Franklin Roosevelt ordered that the men be tried in secret before a military commission — a tactic, then backed by the U.S. Supreme Court, that President George W. Bush would replicate 59 years later in his directive that Guantanamo Bay detainees be judged in a similar fashion.