There are many cultural issues regarding the Lone Ranger remake but every time I start to think about them, my brain derails with the thought, “Someone took a perfectly good Johnny Depp & put a fucking bird on it.”

I deeply question Vanity Fair’s assertion that Johnny Depp makes this look cool in any way shape or form.

Note to vanity fair: Bird. On. Head.

[embedded video: Portlandia: Put a bird on it]

This was a draft I found hanging around. It started life on my facebook page on March 8, 2012 so I don’t remember where I planned to go with it. This is what you get.

Doctor Who fans will want to try the Daleks Relaxation program.

I don’t believe I’ve ever neglected my blog for nearly a month, before. What can I say? Time flies. End of the semester. Lots of cookies to eat. Yeti movie marathon on SyFy. Stomach virus. Home improvement. Laziness. More cookies. Iowa Caucus.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

It’s cold and windy and suddenly winter here in Virginia. For no related reason, here’s the commercial for the Weebles Haunted House from 1976. This was possibly my favorite toy as a child.

[embedded video: Weebles Haunted House Commercial]

I wish I had one now, but people sell them for ridiculous amounts of money on ebay and I can’t bring myself to buy one.

We’ve been spending way too much time here at my house reading Studies in Crap. The site first caught my attention when a link to “Does the Harlequin Romance Unicorn Vengeance boast the worst sentence ever published in English? Mayhap!” popped up on a list-serv.

So what is Studies in Crap? It’s a feature on the website of Kansas City magazine, Pitch.

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Back to their expert dissection of Unicorn Vengeance:

That first sex scene ends abruptly in the middle of a handjob:

    “Nay! Not so soon! Wolfram felt his seed spill across his stomach in a warm, tingling rush, even as he heard himself moan.”

This is historically accurate, at least according to what a lady friend tells me about her summer working at Medieval Times. It also fulfills the narrative obligation of letting the maiden maintain her maidenhood until the book’s climax.

Studies in Crap dissects a variety of fine sources, from Texas history textbooks from the 1930s to Evangelical marital advice manuals.

Poor some coffee and say good-bye to the rest of your day.

We went on a date recently and we actually went to the movies – we saw The Day the Earth Stood Still at the local IMAX theater. We watched the original first because, well, we’re geeks. Keanu Reeves acquitted himself nicely as the completely expressionless Klaatu, and the pacing was much better, and GORT the robot was seriously creepy, but it lacked all the nice DC scenery that gave the first one so much of it’s charm (for us).

The real geek-fest was the previews – warning – these websites all launch annoying sound effects when you click the links so you may want to turn your speakers offThe Watchmen (which author Alan Moore is, predictably, upset about), Star Trek, and Monsters Vs Aliens, which looks really cute. I also choose to take it as further evidence of the dinosaur-human hybrid super-soldier project in the basement of the Pentagon.

To be fair to Moore, Hollywood hasn’t done a particularly good job of translating his work to the screen (see also: League of Extraordinary Gentleman and V for Vendetta). Plus, the guy probably gets more press as the disgruntled and disenfranchised creator than he would if he was gung-ho about the adaptations.