Tag Archives: huckaphobia

Canceling Your Huckalerts Subscription

Husband sent me this gem from Something Awful: “Canceling Your Huckalerts Subscription.”

It’s hard to imagine a man less-suited to wear the mantle of President of the United States of America than Mike Huckabee. The long shot Republican Presidential candidate and former Arkansas Governor is an unrepentant hillbilly who brags about cooking squirrels in popcorn poppers. He and his unspeaking wife, who looks perpetually startled, have raised a family of extremely large sons known for their largeness and propensity for torturing stray dogs.

Naturally, I love Mike Huckabee, and when I learned an acquaintance of mine by the name of Jared was an honest-to-god Huckabee supporter I felt the need to prank him. This prank represents the culmination of more than two weeks of harassing instant messages in which I impersonated a fictional Huckabee campaign update service called “Huckalerts”. I sent him approximately 30 Huckalerts over the course of those two weeks and many were received without comment from Jared.

What follows is his final battle with Huckalerts.

I have laryngitis so laughing really hard resulted in my producing painful and strange wheezing squeaky noises while tears streamed down my face. It was worth it. It was even better than “It’s Raining McCain,” which I choose to believe is real.

Those wacky democrats

Every once in a while I stop obsessing over the horrors of a possible Huckabee presidency long enough to check on what the Democratic contenders are up to. The New York Times is reporting:

Senator Edward M. Kennedy intends to endorse the presidential candidacy of Senator Barack Obama during a rally on Monday in Washington, associates to both men confirmed, a decision that squarely pits one American political dynasty against another.

[blahblahblah woofwoofwoof read the whole article]

I’m not really sure what this means in terms of the Presidential race, I’m sure it’s momentous and all that. For me personally, it’s meant that Husband has had a busy weekend of unexpected work and has barely gotten to cook for me in the manner to which I am accustomed. He gets to do sound for Kennedys and Obama, though, so that’s nice for him.

I [fear] Huckabee

I know I’ve been memed and I really will get to it. I’ve been very busy. Whereas her glamorous disability lifestyle includes watching copious amounts of Jerry Springer, mine includes a frightening amount of time spent sitting here in a cold sweat worrying about Mike Huckabee. (You thought I was going to say squirrels, didn’t you?)

Only 691 days until Huckabee’s Inauguration. Might as well start dress-shopping now. I do look good in red, at least.

It’s inevitable. I feel it in my bones. Even the ones that don’t have that nice constant deep-bone ache all of the time.

Doomed. Doomed, I tell you. He’s our next President, I just know it.

But more on this, much more on this, at a later date.